I think that a lot of this is because this guy was the first person you ever slept with and treated you terribly on top of that. I think most people have wistful feelings for the first person they slept with for a long time. In any case, your ex sounds like a complete and total jackass to me. But there is no way you can ever completely forget about the first person you slept with. I think you should consider counselling to deal with your issues about the way that your ex treated you. When someone is abusive to you it can affect your self esteem for awhile. I know with my ex, it took longer to get over him because he treated me so badly and I kept questioning myself about why I stayed with someone that treated me so badly. Once you get counselling to deal with your past issues, then perhaps you can evaluate whether your current relationship is right for you or not. If you decide it is not, I would suggest that you remain single for awhile to work on your self esteem and figure out exactly what you do and do not want in a partner. Good luck to you.

Thank you for the advice! The weird part is that I don't have any self-esteem issues that I know of. I'm one of the more confident people I know, which is why I am so confused that I let myself get in a n emotionally abusive relationship in the first place. But I completely agree that talking to a counselor might be able to get my head straight. thank you. =]

I've been there. My first serious relationship took place over an 8-month period (5 mos., then 3mos.). I honestly think he might've been my first love, but after what he did to me, I'll never fully admit it.
He had no problem with PDA, either, and there was really nothing that was off-limits to him. His immaturity was the reason we broke up the first time. I discovered a few months later that, during a night of intense drinking with his friends (which happened quite often), he cheated on me with a very close friend.
I made the mistake of going back to him a year later, because I "couldn't get over him." That was the biggest mistake of my life. A few days before our second (and, thankfully, final) break-up, he tried numerous times in one night to get me into bed. His parents were home, he had friends over, and I was just not ready. His final attempt was in his living room, in front of his ignorantly oblivious mother, and it ended with my best shirt torn in three places, and him on the floor with my foot, well, convincing him not to try anything.
Two years later, I was able to tell my current boyfriend, the first person I ever said anything to. What I didn't tell him was that, beyond the anger, the yelling, the fighting, and that awful night, I was still fighting my feelings for this guy. Just telling someone close to me instantly lifted that weight. I had finally told someone, and I realized that those were not in fact feelings of love, but just more anger towards him for what he had done to me.
I have since gone to counseling many times. Sometimes it just helps to vent to someone who knows how to help.
Good luck!

I'm really sorry to hear what happened to you. =/ Boys suck sometimes. It helps me a lot to hear about people who go through similar experiences as me. I really do need to see a counselor....I owe my boyfriend and myself that much. The problem is finding an inexpensive one in my area. lol. But I guess I'm just hoping that once I've dealt with my anger towards my ex, my current relationship will get better...maybe I'm being too optimistic. I might just be slowly falling out of love with my current boyfriend because of all of the fighting...life is confusing. lol.

It sucks, but sometimes you have to go through some really rough stuff before it gets better (and trust me, it has!).
That was something that I didn't have. I think it would've been much better for me to be able to talk to someone that was having problems like I was. Sometimes it's just nice to be able to b**** with someone that gets it.
I would ask around about an inexpensive counselor. I'm sure one of your friends would know about someone in the area. If you really trust someone at work, ask them. Or, if all else fails, scour the phonebook!

I'd hate to see a good relationship fall to a previous bad one. I had a lot of issues with some things that my boyfriend didn't understand until I told him. Whatever you do, don't convince yourself you're still in love with your ex! You don't deserve that pressure. Ask your current boyfriend to just sit down and listen to you. Get out that pent-up anger. It will help him understand how you feel, and hopefully show that you're in love with him, not your ex. Telling someone that really cares REALLY helps.

That is really good advice! Thank you so much! I was terrified that I might have been in love with him because I'm still so angry....but I think it's ok for me to be angry...what he did to me was hurtful and wrong. I told my boyfriend that I wasn't in love with my ex but he's still having trouble believing me. I think counseling is still a great idea and I'm definitely going to ask around. One thing I know for sure: I will never go back to my ex. =]

No problem! Anger doesn't equal love. And DEFINITELY don't go back to him. You deserve so much better than what he did to you.

Hi Conflicted

I just wanted to say that even if you didn't have self esteem issues to begin with, an abusive relationship can really lower your self esteem. I think that is what abusive men do, they isolate you from those around you and lower your self worth so you think that no one else would want you. I think this is much, much harder when it is the first person you are intimate with. Being a psychology student, I think that many people can benefit from seeing a counsellor, because everyone needs help sometimes. If you are a student you can get counselling through your university. If you are under a certain age and living at home you might still be covered under your parents plan (at least I know this is the case in Canada, where I live). Also, many counsellors will offer a sliding fee scale based on your income. Or you could find a counsellor in training who possesses all of the knowledge and training but has not yet had a large amount of experience. For example, I was in a counselling class with this amazing woman in her fifties who was a nurse and worked with children for many years with 4 kids of her own. She was so wise and an excellent listener. She was apprenticing her counselling position with a psychologist because she had not yet earned her masters degree. As a result, she charges a lot less than many other counsellors.
But still had a lot of life experience and knowledge and I think she was an amazing person. There has to be more counsellors like her out there. Good luck to you.

im a senior in high school, and i along with most of these people here have been in an emotionally abusive relationship. heres my story. it began my sophmore year. there was this new guy in my school and i was instantly attracted to him, to make a long story short, his friend ended up hooking us up. in the beginning the relationship was amazing. he was so perfect, gave me all of his attention, always calling me beautiful, loved showing me off to his friends, he loved PDA. always hugging and kissing me, always finding ways to make me happy. after a month or so i found out that he was basically a pot head and smoked cigerettes. drugs were something that i did not want to be around. he never once pressured me to do drugs or anything, i just disapproved of it and i let him know that i did not wnat to be with someone who did drugs. when he found that out, he basically put on an act for me. i trusted him and believed him in the beginning when he said he had quit. i found out from all his friends though that he did not quit and in fact he was lying to me. when i confronted him about it, he claimed it was because he loved me so much and he didnt want me to break up with him and that he wanted to quit but he needed my help. from that day on i tried so hard to help him quit, and went out of my way to always try to make him happy. a few months in the relationship, he started to act weird. somedays he was so happy and loving, other days he broke my heart calling me fat, dumb, wh*re, slut, any name in the book and claiming i was the reason for all of his anger. he used to laugh at me when i cried. i dont know why i stayed with him for so long. he hurt me so bad sometimes. not only did i stay with him after all the name calling and accusing, i also gave up my virginity to him. the whole relationship was a rollercoaster. we had some amazing times and some hurtful times. remembering all the amazing times is what i think kept me in the relationship. there came to a point though around the 10 month mark where i felt wanted by other people and i felt like other people deserved me more than him. so i broke it off with him. i had a couple of boyfriends here and there after him but he always stayed in my mind. the feeling that i got when me and him just cuddled or hugged was amazing and i felt as if me and him were the only people in the world. i tried to communicate with him often after we broke up but he would just ignore me. a felt stupid for wanting to contact him but i felt so empty, and i missed feeling loved. about 5 months ago he finally responded to me and we ended up meeting at his place. the first time we met in a while we ended up having sex. he told me he loved me so much. for a duration of about 2 months, we saw eachother everyweek, sometimes having sex sometimes not. i felt like he truly loved me and he had changed his ways. he never called me any names during this time and i felt so happy. when i proposed maybe getting back together, he thought it was a really bad idea, because of our past and how my family and friends didnt really like him and how his friends dont really like me. i understood, i knew it would be weird if we got back together so i broke off the whole thing. it was hard for me because he didnt do anything wrong this time, but i felt as if we were friends with benefits and i dont like that. he was a lil mad at me when i broke it off but not as much as before. since then i have had a really hard time getting over him. yes he emotionally abused me and made me feel like nothing at times, but there were times where he made me feel like the best person in the world. i sometimes wish he could be back in my life, even though i know he will end up hurting me again, i sometimes think any feeling of love is better than none at all. i hate myslef for even contemplating settling for less. and im embaressed to say ive even tried getting him back recently trying to bribe him with sex. i dont know whats wrong with me. its been over a year since we were officially together and i just want to get over him. ive tried counseling, and i hate to admit this but i used to lie to them. i felt embarressed that i was so stupid letting this guy control my life. i dont know what to do now, i dont want to go see a councilar, but i dont know what else to do. my family andfriends are suffering from my actions though, ive been very angry at them at times and i dont know why. i get upset very easily and i tend to let people know that i am upset. it hurts so bad that i even think about settilng for less. i am a stright A student, a tri-season athlete in school, involved in math team and masterminds, i work as a lifeguard and just recently got promoted to head lifeguard, i deserve way more than a person who does drugs and calls me names. i dont know why i sometimes feel as if he is good enough or as if he is all i can get or deserve. can anybody help me get over this person or at least help me get my self esteem up?