I've been dating my boyfriend for two years. Recently I've had a lot of trouble with trust and jealousy and I don't know if I'm overreacting or if I should be worried. There are a few different issues - so I'll do my best to explain everything.
My first problem I've had since just a few months into the relationship. He never initiates sex. In the 2 years that we've been dating, there are 3 times that I can remember that he has initiated it. So instead of getting excited about sex, I end up extremely frustrated and I try to wait it out to see how long it will take for him to make the move. We end up having sex about twice a week and he's complained several times that it isn't enough but hasn't done anything to change it.
We've had this conversation before, and he told me that he would like to have sex every day, so it's not that he doesn't have a healthy sexual appetite. He says he doesn't like to initiate because he's afraid I'll turn him down (even though this has never happened, because the 3 times he initiated, we did end up having sex.) I tried to explain how sexy it makes me feel when he makes the move and how when he doesn't it makes me feel unwanted. I've tried to tell him that I'm always up for it. I've tried telling him everything I can imagine to get him to make a move and nothing changes. He still doesn't to this day, and it makes me want to rip my hair out.
The second problem is that he has always been an EXTREMELY private person. We live together, so as you can imagine, we share a lot of stuff. I've had him look at my email before to find something for me. He knows all of my passwords, all of my accounts, everything. He looks through my phone occasionally at the pictures and I don't have any problems with this.
On the other hand, he has kept EVERYTHING private from me. He won't check his email or his MySpace if I'm near him. He keeps his phone with him constantly so I never have a chance to pick it up. And at this point, I don't know if it's his personality or if he's doing things that he doesn't want me to see. It's been like this since the day we got together, so it's not like it started all of the sudden.
A few months ago, he was out of the house and I will admit that I checked his browser history. The extreme privacy was starting to worry me. When I checked, I came across pages and pages and pages of porn. There was almost nothing else in his browser history and it went back a couple of months. As you can imagine, I was pretty upset. He had told me at the beginning of our relationship that he didn't think it was right to watch porn or masturbate when you were in a relationship. I never had a problem with it and used to do it myself. But out of respect for him, I haven't since we started dating. So not only was it something that he kept from me, but it was also something that he had blatantly lied about doing.
That day I told him it was something I was extremely uncomfortable with and he said he would stop. I have checked his computer since then, but he erases his browser history several times a day. I've asked him if he's still looking at porn and he says no.
Then the other day, we were about to have sex and I noticed the underside of his shaft was extremely dry and flaky - almost scabbing. I didn't mention it, but searched for it the next day and found that it's usually caused by dry humping or masturbating vigorously without lubrication.
Should I be worried? Should I be upset that he's lying to me? Should I just let it go? How do I get him to initiate sex?
I obviously need a lot of advice ... anything you have would be greatly appreciated.
High
Koah
New Look
This guy is who he is, and clearly he's not the guy you want to be with. The two main items you're complaining about have been that way since day one. Stop trying to change him. He will never initiate sex, and he has a different opinion on what appropriate levels of privacy are. THIS IS WHO HE IS. Accept him or move on.
As far as the evidence of masturbation, according to your Google search, get over it. You have bigger problems to worry about, like how to split up your stuff and move out.
1Some people try to work through their issues instead of just giving up.
2She HAS tried, for two years. He will not/can not change.
3Some men like dominate woman, "he wants you to do it! It turns him on! GET IT?
4Yeah, some guys want you to make the first move because it makes them feel wanted in the same way it does you. I can actually identify with not feeling comfortable initiating sex. However, he should make an effort to initiate half the time, especially if he complains about the lack of sex.
He's been this way since you started dating? Then it's a personality thing, and you can't really change that. The privacy: I've been dating the same guy for two years, I don't check his email, his phone, and vice versa. Everybody's different. About the porn? I dunno. It sounds to me like he's really shy (especially about sex) and lacking confidence, no? Yes? Hard to fix things like that, especially since you've already tried communicating these issues with him.
5I agree w/ luisa. You've talked to him over and over and he's unwilling. Sometimes you just have to accept things about a person and move forward instead of trying to fight it.
Personally, I see too many red flags in your post to think that moving forward is worth it.
6I agree with luisa too. Yes, you should try in a relationship rather than just running away, but I would say two years is plenty of trying. And yes, some men do like dominate women, just like some women like dominate men, but making you do all the work every time is absoultely not fair. Especially since you like him to start things too, it should be 50/50. And the secretive thing is worrisome too. No one can tell if he is just a VERY private person, or if you should really be worried...so, you have to trust him, that's how relationships work...but if after two years, you don't quite trust him (if you did, you wouldn't be worried) then IMO there is a serious problem. And it sounds like he's addicted to porn if nothing else. And, if he won't share anything and doesn't really want to have sex with you b/c he gets everything he needs from the porn, he sounds more like a roommate than a bf. Honestly, I would get out of this relationship, this is not the guy for you.
7Personally, I think it is unfair of you to ask him to stop watching porn. Every single guy I have ever known watches porn or has watched porn. But I can understand you being hurt about the lying/deceit. If I look at his from his perspective, he is obviously going to hide it from you because he knows you'll disapprove. I find it so weird when girls are offended that guys like porn. Honestly, it has nothing to do with you, it is just a guy thing. Now, if he has an addiction, that is different but since it is not affecting your love life, I wouldn't assume this to be the case. (men with porn addictions usually avoid sex with real, live women).
Now, in regards to the fact that you don't trust him, that is a red flag to me. I think when someone is that secretive, there is usually a reason for it. In other words, he is probably hiding something from you. If if was just the fact that he watches porn and masturbates (as 99% percent of other guys do), then I don't think he would be hiding his email, phone and myspace stuff from you. That is what makes me suspicious. Also, the fact that he was dishonest. As for not initiating sex, I honestly don't think that is something you will be able to change unless he wants to change. Good luck to you.
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