After a very rocky 2 yr. relationship, I got the guts to break up with an abusive guy. This left me very defensive and disappointed in "love".
In spite of that, I started dating another person. At first I was head over heels with this new guy, we were planning on moving in together and totally in love. Unfortunately I was very defensive and we started having problems and he revealed lots of self esteem issues and an agressive personality. We couldn't stop fighting and obviously the relationship was worn out to the point where we broke up about three weeks ago( we were together for 6 months). I can't understand how this incredible and marvelous man turned into an impatient and hurting person. Am I really that mean or stupid to cause guys to behave like that? Was that his personality all along and he covered it up to get to me?
I started therapy because I'm tired of my own issues. My therapist says I tend to look for abusive guys since my dad was abusive. She also says I have a huge empty space which I demand be filled from my partners, whereas only I can fill it with a healthy self esteem, so I've been working on both issues. Still, I have a huge doubt. When my partner makes a mistake I tend to overreact and bring the subject up a lot (specially when he repeats the mistake) even after he's apologized. The big break up was triggered when he started checking my cell phone and reading ALL of my text messages ( for the second time in a month). He read one regarding my best friend's very private issue and that made me blow up. I tried to calm down after he apologized but brought up the subject a while later because I just couldn't understand how he got the guts to do it.
Should I have forgiven him when he apologized? I want to know how to set healthy boundaries, i don't want to be an intolerant b*tch but I don't want to be abused either. How much is too much?
How much is too much?
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Diane von Furstenberg
Temperley London
Nicole Farhi
First of all, it's not that hard for a guy to be nice and loving at the beginning of the relationship. It's the same with anyone - at the beginning you're on your best behavior with the person. Then you start to let your true colors show the more comfortable you get with the person. It is at this point that we start to see our partners flaws. Now, everyone has flaws, nobody is perfect, and that is fine. But you need to ask yourself if your partners flaws are ones that you can live with.
1The fact that he has low-self esteem combined with an agressive personality should be a red flag in my opinion. It means he's probably going to put all of his hopes and dreams on you, and it's not healthy when you become your partners everything. Especially if you've been in an abusive relationship in the past, you know that guys with low self-esteem and agression issues tend to be overly needy and controlling.
The relationship didn't end becuase you are mean or stupid - you need to get out of that mindset.
It's good that you're going to therapy and working through your issues because it does sound like you need to rase your self-esteem.
Personally, I do not think you overreacted to the cell phone situation. He has NO right to go through your phone and read your text messaages. Who does he think he is - the father of a 16 year old teenager, that being you? The fact that he did this reaffirms what I said before about his personality leading him to being needy and controlling. You had every right and reason to pissed. Sure, maybe he apologized but the fact remains that not only did he do this once, but he did this twice. An apology isn't something that can just be thrown out there. "Sorry" is not just some magic word. What he did was wrong. You're asking if you should have forgiven him and that you want to know how to set healthy boundaries. Well, healthy boundaries is knowing that it is just plain wrong to go through your partner's phone and read their text messages. If you trust the one you are with, you would feel absolutely NO need to do that.
I'm sure you're probably on guard after a previously abusive relationship, and that is natural. You sort of need to be on your guard to watch out for red flags of that type of behavior. I think you might benefit from taking some time off from relationships. Spend some time on you. Get to know yourself and figure out what you need to do to raise your self-esteem and avoid these types of unhealthy relationships. When you do that, you will be able to find a relationship that consists of trust, respect, and freedom to let each other be.
I hope my response was not too long and convoluted!
I tend to think that he was that way the whole time. It doesn't sound like you gave yourself enough time to get over the 1st relationship before jumping into another dysfunctinal relationship, and that you just repeated the same mistakes. It is also probably true that are attracted to a certain type of man with anger issues, perhaps because it feels familiar to you. You are not responsible for another persons behaviour, so no, you did not cause him to act that way. I agree that his behaviour is completely inappropriate, looking through your phone like that. But the bigger issue here is that you need to work on your self esteem, learn how to establish boundaries and I really agree with La Tua Cantente that you should spend some time single for awhile. Once you work through this, you will be more likely to attract and be attracted to someone who will treat you well, and you will be more able to set boundaries with men It sounds like you are stuck in abusive patterns with your relationships and working on your issues is the best way to become aware of these patterns and start to attract men with healthy self esteem. I think that people with low self esteem will attract partners that also have low self esteem. Once you feel better about yourself, you will attract someone that is also well adjusted and confident. Good luck to you.
2Your therapist is right. It's vey common for women to seek out abusers if their fathers were the same way.
Keep seeing your therapist and stop dating for a while. Give yourself a 6-month break. No dates, no hooking up, nothing. You need it.
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