HELP! I need some advice… I know this is long and a lot to read but I feel like I need to give that background to the problem and give you all the information. Any advice I can get would be great. I feel like there is no one I can talk to about it without getting advice that is favored to one side or the other… or paying a therapist!
I've been with my boyfriend for 2 1/2 years. We are now 24 and 25 years old. We met in college and are both graduated now and living together. In college, we partied and had fun EVERY time we were together. We had the best relationship. We had our own friends and did our own things. We hung out with each others' friends together. We saw each other a lot but not too much. We always commented how we didn't want to be like my roommate and her boyfriend because they were together every second of every day and could never do things alone or with their own friends. When my boyfriend graduated, he moved away to Chicago. We had a long distance (6 hours) relationship for about 4 months. Then when I graduated, we moved into an apartment together in Chicago. I left my family and friends behind to take our relationship to another level.
We've lived together now for about 9 months and I'm not happy anymore. I admit that I've changed. I don't like to party every weekend and he still does. He can NOT go one weekend without partying. He has a lot of friends here and I have very few, if any. So when we go out together, it's always with his friends. We never go out alone.
For example, last night, none of his friends wanted to go out. I didn't really want to either. So he sat in front of the tv drinking by himself, texting and calling friends to try to get someone to go out with him. Finally at 10:30 he said, "I guess I'm not going out tonight." Many Saturdays, he likes to go out during the day to bars with friends to watch sports and he'll usually ask if I'd like to go along. So that was his plan for today. For some reason, I broke down and decided I'm done. We've had many conversations before about how I've changed and we are not in the same place in our lives anymore. I like to go out and have a good time but not every night of the weekend. So I don't mind staying home sometimes. He still feels the need to go out every single night of the weekend. I think that after this much time, we should be taking our relationship to new levels, instead I feel like we’re worse than when we started in college. We’ve talked about our timelines for marriage and kids. He wants to wait until about 30 and I don’t. I don’t want to get married soon but not that late. He wants to be financially stable, and I agree but I think that’s a long time to wait. But honestly, right now, we are nowhere near marriage material.
So our conversation this morning went like this:
Bob: I’m meeting Erik at the bar at 3pm. Wanna go?
Me: Yea, in 20 minutes, this show is over and I’ll get in the shower then.
10 minutes later….
Bob: Hurry up and shower.
Me: What? Never mind, I won’t go. (I was angry that he was in such a hurry to be at the bar at 3pm. I asked him earlier in the day if he wanted to go for a walk and he said no because it was too cold. But he is going to walk to this bar that is farther than I would have wanted to walk with him earlier.)
Then I go into the kitchen where he is …
Me: Ya know what, we need to talk. I am not happy and I will never be happy with you.
Bob: What? I just wanted you to shower so we could be there by 3pm. You’ll never be ready in time. (it was 1:53pm)
Me: That’s not what I’m talking about. I will never be happy because I do not like to go out every night of the weekend and you do.
Bob: You don’t have to go out with me!
Me: That’s not the point.
Bob: Fine! We’ll go to the bar whenever you are ready!!
Me: That’s not the point!
Bob: I just think we are in two different places in our lives.
Me: Exactly. That’s just who you are and that’s who I am and that’s why I can’t be with you because I will never be happy with you.
Bob: I don’t understand what happened to us. In college, we were great. We had the best relationship. You used to say you never want to be like your roommate and her boyfriend and be with each other every second of the day.
Me: WE LIVE TOGETHER! We are going to be together a lot. And when I graduated from college, I grew up and I don’t want to party like I’m in college anymore.
Bob: We are 25 and I like to go out on the weekends.
Me: And that’s who you are and I don’t want to be with that because that doesn’t make me happy. You can’t stay in with me and NOT drink. You can’t do anything on the weekends besides drink at the bars or in front of the tv.
Bob: I stayed in last night with you.
Me: Only because none of your friends wanted to go out! And you drank all night anyway!
Bob: But I stayed in. And what else is there to do?
Me: We live in Chicago!! There are a million things to do! Spend 10 minutes on the internet and you can get a list of 100 things to do…even things that are free! Last night isn’t the point. My point is that I’m not happy and I don’t see myself ever being happy with you unless there are major changes. In April, I think we should go our own way and do our own thing. (April is when our lease is up.)
Bob: Oh good so we can live in hell for the next 3 months?
Me: Well I’m not happy NOW! So it won’t be any different for me.
Bob: I don’t understand how this developed from me wanting you to shower so we can be at the bar by 3pm.
Me: It’s not about being at the bar by 3pm. I think about this every night but I held it in. But it’s funny how you have to stick to your time restraints to be at the bar by 3 pm and you’ll walk all the way there in the cold, but you won’t go for a walk with me because it’s too cold!
Bob: I’m walking to a place where I’ll go inside and get warm right away!
Me: (rolling my eyes) No, I’m done. That’s it.
END OF CONVERSATION… I went to shower and cried a lot. He got ready and went to the bar at 3pm. He said “I guess I’ll see ya later,” when he left. I said nothing.
But the last time we talked about all of this, we agreed that I would be more laid back and try to go out more often and he would stay in with me more often. I really thought that this past month has been really good between us and that things were getting better. But then I broke down today.
I don’t get that tingly feeling anymore. We are more like roommates than anything. There’s no passion. There is only sex and it’s only like once MAYBE twice a month. When he leaves to go workout every night during the week, there is no “see ya later” or kiss goodbye. In college we NEVER left each other without a kiss and an “I love you”. I brought that up to him the other night and just said, “I don’t like how you don’t say goodbye when you leave and there’s no kiss or I love you.” And I reminded him of how it used to be in college. He just replied, “Okay.” Is it possible that we were only good together in college? I want to be happy, I deserve to be happy, and I’m not happy right now. Is it possible for him to change? If so, is it worth waiting for him to grow up and change? Do I throw it all away? There was a tiny feeling of relief after I calmed down from crying today. Then once he left, I just started crying hysterically. And now I’m getting my feelings out by typing.
I know that relationships aren’t perfect… But how far do I take that and apply it to our relationship? Many times, I have tried to think of all the positives in our relationship instead of the negatives and have never been able to come up with more than a few.
I just need someone to give me advice that is on the outside… someone who doesn’t know us personally and doesn’t feel obligated to take sides. I think I’ve been pretending that we are still a great couple… actually I know I have been pretending. I’ve been putting on a show for my parents and family and friends back home (6 hours away). His parents know there are issues because we’ve gotten in fights at their house before. His mom told me that staying married is the hardest thing she’s had to do but it was well worth it and they are completely happy now. Her older son has just announced that him and his wife are getting a divorced after 3 or 4 years of marriage and a 2 year old son. His mom said that she doesn’t know why her boys are jerks and wishes they were more considerate of the loved ones in their lives. His dad was the same way that my boyfriend and his brother are now but apparently it took YEARS for him to change.
Bob is just inconsiderate all around… not just towards me. He doesn’t send birthday cards. He doesn’t do the small things that I wish he would. For example, he doesn’t call just to say he’s thinking about me, hold the door for me, ask how my day was, etc. THE SMALL THINGS! He doesn’t call anyone just to talk, he only calls his parents when he needs something. This might sound dumb, but he doesn’t use a blinker when he drives and if he does, it’s at the very last second before he turns. I think that is inconsiderate as well. I asked him one time (right after he failed to use his blinker correctly), what the purpose of a blinker was. He just kinda shrugged his shoulders. And I said, “Well I’m pretty sure it’s to warn other people around you that you are turning. So why use it at all if you don’t use it the way it’s meant to be used?” And I’m kinda laughing while I’m saying it because I wanted to keep the conversation light and amusing. And he replied, “Well I just use it so that I don’t get pulled over for not using it.” He doesn’t walk beside me on the sidewalk, always ahead of me. I asked him one time why he doesn’t get the mail ever? And he said because there is never anything in there for him. The mail box is right at the front door when you walk into the building. I think these things are all selfish!
I’ve learned to deal with some of these things because I accept that that is how Bob is and I love him and fell in love with him for being that person. What do I do now?!?!
Help! I need advice on my relationship with my boyfriend!
14 Comments Post a Comment
Top Brands
Fornarina
Bob is about Bob. Period.
All you have to do is read your own post and pretend someone else wrote it, and you will see that this will never work out. You two want different things, you are growing up and want a relationship that will progress to marriage and kids, and he still wants to be the frat boy in college.
He will NOT change anytime soon. Maybe, when he is 30, 35, 40 etc., but that isn't he point. You don't want to wait it out. You know it.
You say he is inconsiderate....NO sh*t! This will not change either. I also am wondering if he is an alcoholic...partying at bars during the day every weekend and weeknight, big red flag there.
You have outgrown this relationship and you know it. I suggest you move on.
1wow, that's a lot of stuff. honestly, i think you 2 could save your relationship if you wanted too. here are some thoughts;
21-"he doesn't’t send birthday cards. He doesn't’t do the small things that I wish he would. For example, he doesn't’t call just to say he’s thinking about me, hold the door for me, ask how my day was, etc".. imho you should drop that like a hot potato. get on the the bigger stuff.
2-i sense resentment from you for moving and leaving your friends while he's totally in his element. if you don't want to go out it's okay because HE HAS OPTIONS. you don't have options because your friends are a few hundred miles away. he's it for you. you need a hobby or a book group or a new bff (like they're easy to find, lol) so you have stuff to do AWAY from him.
3-mark twain said "the trouble with marriage is that women marry men hoping they'll change and men marry women hoping they won't". you have a bit of that here with the living together arrangement.
4-there's a lot of "always" and "never" words in your comments to him. those are a sign of not wanting to talk, just want to vent. just saying.
5-with his brother getting a divorce don't expect him to want to get married any time soon. read bring it up again in 2 years.
6-he sounds anxious and frankly, pretty immature. that means you can't be either of those things when you discuss your relationship with him or it will implode.
7-his drinking sounds extreme, and that right there could be a big part of your problem. if he doesn't think he can have a good time w/o drinking where does that leave you.
8-passion is only part of marriage, but as angry as you are and as disappointed as you feel i'm not surprised that your not feeling any passion in this relationship.
9-marriage is hard, like your mil said. and a marriage ebbs and flows, up and down in all areas. this may be his last hurrah so to speak, before he settles into domestic life. but you won't know that for awhile. either you're being taken for granted or you're in a rut. only you can decide which, and only you can decide if that even matters enough to stay.
People grow apart, and that's exactly what's happening here. You're not happy in this relationship. Move on. The average age of the first divorce in this country is 29. That's because people think "Gee, we've been together for 2 years, we finished college, we live together = time for marriage." Wrong. You are just now learning who you are . . .getting a sense of the adult you're becoming.
3I agree with the above. You may be thinking in your head that you want to try the relationship for a little longer due to the fact your lease isn't up yet. Don't let that stop you from doing what you know is the right thing to do. If your housing allows it, put up an ad on craigslist and get somebody to rent your spot - I guess do you have a 1 or 2 bedroom?... that might make a big difference I just thought that so I hope you have a 2 bedroom.
In a relationship, yeah there are a lot of little things that each other does that can bug the bejebus out of people, but if it's the right guy, those things won't matter as much and it won't make you so angry at the person because they don't get the mail. Unfortunately, sometimes we do grow out of our relationships and it's a hard thing to swallow but you can't make yourself unhappy forever because things used to be great.
4unfortunately, relationships in your late teens, early twenties, do tend to fizzle out afetr a few years, mainly because this is the time in your life when you're doing all your growing up, changing as a person and discovering what you want out of life. if you find someone who has the exact same wants and needs as you then you're very lucky, but if you don't then you shouldn't make yourself unhappy by staying with that person. you said yourself that you're unhappy. only you can make yourself happy. my biggest mistake in my life was thinking that i 'needed' my boyfriend and thinking that only HE made me happy. since splitting up with him i've realised that the only person that can make me happy is ME. and no i don't 'need' him. you sound like you've become dependant on him because your friends are hundreds of miles away, so have to rely on him and his friends. this is not a balanced relationship and you're feeling resentful because of this. You can't change a person that doesn;t want to change. if he sees no problem with his inconsiderate behaviour its very unlikely that he will change. maybe you're relationship has just come to an end. you need to concentrate on making yourself happy, and if this means without your boyfriend, then thats something you have to do..
5I have got to be honest, going out every night of the week and drinking is not normal. Are you certain that he does not have a drinking problem? As for the rest of what you have said, I think that it is the small things in life and relationships that make us happy. Imagine how those small things will feel in 15 years when he still doesn't do them. Another way to think about it: can you imagine having a child with him? Would he be a responsible, kind and caring father? Can you really see a future with someone that drinks every night and is not willing to change?
6Just want to add... he doesn't drink every night. He drinks every night of the weekend... so on a normal weekend it's Friday and Saturday.
7Look, relationships are no walk in the park and I can guarantee it takes a hell of a lot more than LOVE to keep it going. Persistence is key, you either have it or you don't. If you find yourself complaining about this guy more often than you complimenting him, you either put up with his faults or GET OUT! Believe me there is no use complaining time and time again over the things that annoy you. HE WILL NOT CHANGE. A relationship is about compromise, the two of you will always be different beings, you nor him will ever change the basic fundamentals that make both of you who you are, so...The key you ask? Compromise, if he's not willing to chill out with you every 2nd weekend whilst leaving the other 2 weekends for him to party, then be on you own way babe and find someone who doesn't need to drown their sorrows in alcohol every weekend. It seems to me he has a problem and a few issues he has to deal with himself and the best way to do that is to leave him be. Let him sort out his issues, let him go. And if it's meant to be he'll move mountains to be with you. I know you love him but you should be loving yourself more. If you're not willing to stop complaining about the way he is and be persistent with the whole relationship situation, then leave. You'll be kidding yourself if you don't. Unless he is willing to compromise, he will never change. I wish you all the best.xx
8you know, my boyfriend and I also have issues going on but what I found interesting is that my boyfriend also fails to use a blinker correctly, he uses it at the very last second before he turns as well. Anyways, I think your boyfriend doesn't value the love you have for him because he is very much into himself. Later, when he gets tired of partying every night and when you are not there anymore, he sure will realize that he lost a gem. I also need lots of advice, my issue is different though. I hope you can help me. I am new at this so first I need to figure out how to post my story. but that's besides the point. anyways, I think you are very very young (like me) and you should go away for a while, even if you are not sure of leaving your boyfriend for good. I think you both need some time off and TIME will give you the answer. If you both miss each other while you are away and are sure that its not only the habit of being together, then maybe you should give each other another chance. Just dont try to depend on him so much. I admire the way you stood up to him to tell him what was bothering you and let him know exactly how you felt. Good luck!
9I agree with jazzy...you branched out, grew up and want a stable home life now and he still wants to be frat boy ike he said. Cut your losses hun. Move on. He has no respect for you or himself.
10This is why I advocate living together before marriage, because you'll never really know what a person's like until you live with them. My friends tell me that "the divorce rate for people who live together before marriage is higher!" but I think that's just because there are people who think "well, we're living together, might as well get married" or rush into living together. They also say that living together will make marriage less "magical" but, as magical as it is, you might find out that your spouse is a d-bag.
I think that first, if you want to try to save your relationship, you should try sitting down and having a nice, mature, talk about things. And don't start it with "I'll never be happy with you" or "you party too much and I hate that", but rather "I feel upset and unhappy when you spend your weekends out partying because now that we're more grown up, I think we should stop acting like college students, and more like adults" or something like that. You should aknowledge that you'll put up with him partying, maybe one night a weekend, or a couple weekends a month, but that he should consider your needs and place in life and do things with just you, or stay home with you some weekends to do fun couples things instead of hang out with the guys. And for when he's out partying, you need a hobby. Partying can be his thing, and your hobby can be yours. My boyfriend and I have a pretty good relationship I think partially because we both have a lot of stuff we only do on our own time (I play MMOs and geek out at MTG tournaments or LARP, and he plays with music and fiddles around with his media programs and writes for an ESPN MMA blog [Between The Ropes, in case you listen to it... ]). So, try getting yourself a hobby.
But if he refuses to compromise, it might be time to consider the relationship kaput since you're both obviously on to different things in different paths in life. He still wants to be in college, and you're ready for adulthood.
11i read your concern. all i can say something is that ask your boyfriend why he is doing that every weekend partying? The good thing there is he wants to go out with you. You need to adjust and accept changes whatever it is as long he is not cheating in a relationship.
But if he changes like you mentioned your birthday or any small things. You need to ask so you can have peace of heart and mind in a relationship. Be open minded and tell him what you feel inside than keeping it to yourself. Let him know how you feel about going out. Its not good going out if the purpose is seeking someone else. Going out to relax, unwind from busy work, busy schedules at work that would be fine. Too much of a good thing is unhealthy anymore.
If you can't stand his lifestyles let him know how you feel. Just talk to him. Open up things that need to.
12he forgot your birthday and other things. make time for yourself and hopefully you can be with someone who is mature, who care for you, who loves you, and who is responsible. He is like he is going back to college life where he party a lot.
13if you are not happy. leave him but talk to him first before doing so. let him know how you feel inside. Your guy can't feel it because you are there for him even if he did that but the moment u are gone for sure he lost the gem that he thinks is a precious jewel that won't leave him no matter what. but you felt pain and fed up now.
let go and move on.
14Post A Comment
To post comments, please log in or register.