I've recently divorced from my ex-husband after eight years of marriage, but we were separated for a year beforehand. In that year, I talked to many different guys and went on several dates, but I had yet to meet a guy I was interested in . . . until now!
We met and exchanged phone numbers at the grocery store and only sent text messages back and forth for about a week before we went on our first date. As bad as it makes me sound, I went back to his house after dinner and we slept together. We went on another date a day later. Here's my problem: we haven't communicated much since our last date, and I don't know what an appropriate amount of talking should be in our situation. When you first start seeing someone, how often do you talk in the first few weeks? Is it acceptable to go a day or two without communicating with the other person? I really like this guy, but since he doesn't take the initiative, should I assume he's not interested? Did I totally screw up by sleeping with him on the first date? I'm hesitant to make a first move with him even though I really want to. Any advice?
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Rm By Roland Mouret
Dries Van Noten
Jovovich-Hawk
It's up to the two of you as to how much you talk. Nothing's wrong with saying, hello, go ahead. It doesn't come off as needy, now saying hello, then calling him 10 times, then going to his house and camping out there would seem needy. Maybe he's feeling the same way somewhat too, hoping that it didn't ruin things. I'd just try communication (as lack of it is what ruins life itself) and see where it goes...yeh...I'll just stop here...
1He's just not that into you. Really. Go get a copy of that book, and one called The Rules as well. You do strike me as out of touch, or at least out of practice.
2Oh, please do NOT read "The Rules" unless you're interested in playing games instead of being honest.
3The Rules isn't about playing games. It's about weeding out the guys only interested in sex. Pretty simple, pretty smart.
4^ Well, that totally makes sense actually...some people tend to stick around at times waiting for the sexual thrill, or stick around longer after the first thrill because it's around and it's sex on demand. It's rather sad some women don't realize this (know of one in particular).
5Well, I'd have to agree with luisa, the first impression I've gotten is that he's not that into you. And that maybe he's got what he wanted (sex) and he's losing interest or whatever. But of course, I'm not against you saying 'hi' to him, just to confirm if he's still interested or not.
And those are good books to read "He's just not that into you" and "The Rules." I'd add "Why Men Love b*tches" too to those. The WMLB book is fun because there's that chapter about what you're now going through.
6Pretty educational, but of course, I don't always follow everything to a t there, only that it's good knowledge, and I've learned after reading those books that many things they say are spot-on. And practice cautious dating too
Sorry to say, agree with Luisa...he got what he wanted, now he has moved on.
I'm sorry that there are men out there like this, but it is true. People post all of the time about first date sex being awesome, they married the person and they are happy, etc.
I say that this is the minority of situations.
You didn't "blow it" per se by sleeping with him..you just found out early that he was just in it for sex and now he is gone. I am not saying that waiting x number of dates before you have sex is the answer, I would just go with your comfort level (you said yourself first date sex out of character for you) and do what feels right.
I slept with someone I really liked on the first date, out of character for me too, and it didn't work out. I will NEVER do that again, no judgement on anyone else's choices, just not right for me.
You learned something about yourself...apply it to your next relationship.
7Actually, I totally disagree with Luisa - and most everybody else here!
Don't panic. Sleeping with a guy on the first date changes nothing, unless YOU act like it changes something (sudden lack of self-confidence, giving the impression you're doing it for him instead of for you, calling yourself an easy slut with a shameful, pending-disaster look in your eyes... etc). I've said this many times but I guess it's never enough: I have slept with ALL MY BOYFRIENDS on the first date. ALL OF THEM, except for my current one, because HE wanted to wait (5 days).
Was I used and dumped and called a wh*re? NEVER. I lived beautiful love stories and some less beautiful ones - but the moment I chose to have sex with them never changed a thing. So don't let those women tell you otherwise.
Please don't read any of those books, they will only give you pre-conceived notions and formulas about PEOPLE. People are people: they are all different, they
are all looking for different stuff, and they are impulsive and spontaneous and genuine and don't behave according to a f*cking GUIDE BOOK. These books make me puke. Just be yourself, and do what you want to do, and act according to the vibe you're getting from the person, not from A HUMAN RECIPE! That's just retarded.
I don't know what's up with your guy. It's possible he did get what he wanted and lost interest - but waiting until the 80th date to do him wouldn't have changed a thing - it would not have made him a decent person. And at least you got laid. Anyway, I don't think that's the issue. I think you're at an age where people aren't jumping up and down with excitement when they're dating anymore, and acting obsessive and crazy and stalkerish - so he's just laid back and maybe busy with stuff and taking his time. Or maybe he's traumatized by a recent relationship, or ran out of viagra, or preoccupied with a parent's illness. Who knows?
Fine! Don't sweat it. Give him his space, do your own thing, go out on other dates with other men, and be happy you met him. Call him when you want to. Invite him out. Be you, genuine, authentic, joyful, follow your instincts, even if they tell you to take off your clothes on the first night. The only way to not regret anything is to act in agreement with your own feelings, needs, and desires. Don't you dare open one of those books!
8I would agree that it was a mistake to sleep with him in the sense that you have completely removed 'the thrill of the chase' for him. Whether men like to admit it or not, they do enjoy chasing after a woman to a certain extent. I think that you have a chance for things to work out if he is not only interested in sex. If that was all he wanted to begin with, then you didn't have a chance at a relationship anyway. It all depends what type of man he is. If he likes you enough to want more, then wait to see if he contacts you now. If he doesn't then he was not worth your time anyway. Good luck and I would suggest waiting a bit before you sleep with the guy next time.
9Yes, you screwed it up by sleeping with him on the first date.. what does he have to work for now? Not much of anything cuz he's already had it.. Guys like the chase and yes that may be a game, but if they didn't have to work very hard, it's likely he won't respect you.. and you have to have respect in a relationship.. I'd say move on, learn from this mistake, and wait a bit longer next time.. Because he's just not that into you if he's not asking to hang out with you.
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