I am 23 yrs old and have been with my boyfriend since I was 17. We have a 3 yr old son and we have lived together since he was born. My boyfriend is the only man I have ever been in a relationship with, and the only man I have ever had a sexual relationship with. We have had a rocky relationship (especially since we had our son) and I have questioned my reasons for staying with him, and have been very unhappy for a while. We both go back and forth a lot on whether we should stay together or not, but we do Love each other and always stay together.
About 9 months ago I ran into an old classmate that lives in a different state while attending college. I had a crush on him in high school (before I met my boyfriend). He and I talked all night and even ended up kissing quite a lot. I went to his house the next day with another friend and we kissed again but I told I couldn’t do anything more than that.
We have kept in contact through phone calls once in a while, emails and texting. He has told me that he always liked me but was too shy in High school to say anything. When he first went back to school we talked a lot. We have talked about being together as a couple and even about having sex the next time he comes to visit. I have strong feelings for him but I don’t know how strong and I don’t know how serious he really is about me. It’s hard to know someone’s true feelings just from a text message. I know he is busy a lot and now sometimes we go a week or two without even talking. But when we do he always makes me laugh and smile.
About 2 months ago I found pictures of my boyfriend kissing another girl. And I ended up telling him about what I had done. When he found out he decided that he needed to change his life around for me and for our son because he realized how easily he could loose me. And he has changed a lot! He even has said that he wants to get married this year. I love him very much and don’t want to be the one to tear our little family apart but…
I still think about this other person and it makes me wonder how I can love one person but think about leaving him for someone else.
The big question is Do I try and work it out with my boyfriend of 7 years and the father of my son or do I risk it all on something that may or may not work? If it does work I know it could be so good!!! But if it doesn’t work I am left with nothing. I don’t want to regret either decision I make but I need to make one soon because it’s tearing me apart!
Please Help!
Torn
Torn Between Two
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The biggest mistake young women often make is going from one guy straight to the next. Why does it have to be guy #1 or guy #2? Whatever happened to being honest with yourself and building a life for yourself? You're not in love with the father of your son. And you cheated on him. Yes, kissing is cheating, and you know it darn well.
I suggest you end the current relationship, share custody, and work on building your own life so you can be a happy, strong mother to your child.
1I'm interested to know what your financial situation is, because for me, that would play a heavy hand in my decision. What does the guy you like think about your child? Has he met her, interacted with her at all, how does she fit into his idea of a relationship with you? That's very important. Are you in a situation to leave your boyfriend or is he paying the bills while you take care of the baby? Because childcare is expensive. Then, there's the part where you and your current boyfriend both cheated on each other, which is something you have to really think about and decide if you think this relationship will work in the future or will head down the same road it did before.
I'm just a look before you leap kinda girl. I would make sure you have something steady to land on before you leave what you got. That's not romantic at all, maybe it's not fair to current cheater boyfriend, but make sure whatever you do that you're making the best long-term decision for you and your child. In other words, let emotion take a back seat.
2I really wouldn't be thinking about the other guy when trying to solve the problems of your current relationship.
If you want out of your current relationship, it has to be entirely because you no longer wish to be part of it -- not because you think there's a greater relationship on the horizon.
If you hadn't made out with this other guy, would you still be considering leaving your current man?
Imagine this other guy totally bails on you and falls in love with some other girl and wants nothing to do with you anymore, would you still choose the break up?
I second luisa's advice. You have to get out of this and start over by yourself.
3I third luisa's advice. Kissing is physical cheating, all that txting and etc is emotional cheating. While many couples can work through infidelity, and it doens't mean your relationship can't, ask yourself if you really love your bf.
And liek Luisa said its not one or the other. Unfortunately, relationships are a lot of work and yes it gets rocky sometimes but all relationships are like that. New ones seem nice and fun because you get that rush of happy endorphins but it doesn't mean it isn't as much work down the line. No matter who you date or end up with its going to be work and compromise....not just with your bf. And like Lusia said..there is the third option if you aren ot happy with your bf. Just take some time to be single. You are so young. Just find out who you are, granted having a child is as big responsibility and it doesn't afford you the luxury of going to a pottery class to learn pottery because you want to, or working that job a a coffee place because you alwways wondered what it will be like...but you can learn about yourself in your time alone.
"What difference does it make to the dead, the orphans and the homeless, whether the mad destruction is wrought under the name of totalitarianism or the holy name of liberty or democracy?" Ghandi
4I agree that it really should not be a choice between the two men. It is very easy to idealize a relationship with someone else when you are unhappy in your current one. Either remain commited to the father of your child, get couples counselling and work on your relationship, or leave him and spend some time single before you jump into another serious relationship. Otherwise you will just take all of the issues and problems you have into your current relationship into your next one. I know, it seems like because it is a different guy you won't. But you will, because you have not worked through the issues in this relationship to even be ready to jump into something else. BTW, I am not understanding how this other man could have strong feelings for you when you are in a commited relationship? Doesn't he worry that if he started dating you, you would also cheat on him? I would if I were him. Good luck to you and I hope you are able to do what is right and consider the feelings of your child. It would not be easy for him either if he suddenly does not see dad as much and has a strange man in his life dating his mom. Think about it.
5I agree with all the others that it shouldn't be one man or the other. You need to evaluate your relationship as is and decide if you want to stay in it. To do that you need to distance yourself from this other guy. It's been 7 years and you have a child with this man. You owe it to them both to at least make an informed decision - not one based on some random other guy.
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