About four months ago I got out of a year-long relationship. I'm 25... he's 32. Basically, I fell completely head-over-heels for him. The problem was, I felt like my feelings were never really reciprocated. He was not the romantic type and had a VERY hard time showing his emotions. After being together for almost a year, he was never able to say "I love you" (I said it to him after about 10 months). He also was never really able to say where he saw our relationship going, and was unable to say whether or not he could ever see himself getting married or having kids. After nearly a year together, his inability to show me he really cared about me and the fact that he couldn't say with any certainty that we would have a future together... I started to have a real problem with our relationship. Even though I'm only 25 I know for a fact that I want to get married and start a family... and I started to get scared that I was wasting my prime years with someone who might not ever be able to commit. Another huge problem we had was that he was incredibly self-absorbed, and never really seemed genuinely interested in what was going on with my life. This all came to a head at the beginning of the summer and I told him that I needed a break to sort out my feelings. He was very understanding and accommodating, but also made it very clear that he still wanted to be a part of my life. So, we continued to hang out as friends, and this inevitably led to us resuming a sexual relationship. This continued until August, when I found out that he had been sleeping with another girl since I had asked for "the break". Technically he wasn't "cheating", because we were no longer officially "together"... but I felt used and I felt that he had been deceiving since he had never let on that he had been seeing someone else that whole time. Needless to say, I flipped when I found out and told him I didn't want to see him ever again. I immediately cut off ALL contact with him. He kept trying to get in touch with me, so I ended up changing my email address and my phone number. After a couple of months I felt that I was truly able to move on. About a month ago I met a guy, and we had an instant connection. For the first time in my life, things are going completely seamless in our relationship. I don't doubt his feelings for me at all, and even though it's still very early in our relationship... we're constantly talking about the future, and I really feel in my heart that we have great potential together. I am completely attracted to him... we share a lot of the same core beliefs and values... and we have a lot of hobbies/goals/dreams in common. Basically he is everything I have ever looked for in a guy (which is saying A LOT because I am insanely picky when it comes to guys). Well, everything has been going completely perfect between us... except last week I got a call from my ex. He had gotten my new number through a mutual friend and asked me if I would go to lunch with him to catch up. I know that I shouldn't have gone... but I really just felt so happy in my current situation, and felt like I was completely over him and thought it would be harmless. I went to meet up with him last week, and it was like he was a completely different person. It's hard to explain, but it was just like he was trying so hard to show me he had changed. We didn't talk about our past relationship, he didn't ask me about any new relationships (I don't believe he knows I'm currently seeing someone)... we just had an AMAZING time catching up... and for the first time he showed a genuine interest in my inner-most thoughts, goals, etc. He opened up to me in a way that I had never seen. It's like I spent a year trying to crack him and he FINALLY let loose. I know that he didn't treat me well while we were together... and I know that we weren't on the same page in life AT ALL... but there is just such a spark that we share together. I had tried to forget about it... but it was just so present and apparent while we were at lunch last week. We left things very cordial (he was leaving for England to spend the holidays with his family) and he said he would be in touch when he returned in January. Well... he hasn't even been gone for a week and he's called me three times. This is a man who NEVER called me during our relationship. Every time we've talked over the past week he keeps bringing up stuff we shared during our time together... little things I'm surprised ever even meant anything to him. He's not romantic at all... but I've found it very touching to see that our time together DID mean something to him. I'm finding myself torn now. I obviously do still have feelings for him... so what should I do about my new relationship? Should I stop answering my ex's calls? There has been no talk of us getting back together... but I just have this strong feeling that he is trying to get me back. I feel so torn. I don't want to jeopardize the potential of great new relationship for someone who will never want the same things as me...
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"I don't want to jeopardize the potential of a great new relationship for someone who will never want the same things as me..."
I think you answered your own question.
First, I want to commend you for cutting off contact with him..that was the right thing to do especially after the "break" fiasco. I don't believe in "breaks"...too ambiguous..you are either on the same page or you are not.
Having said that, the things you are going to have to think about are these:
1) Is one month dating someone long enough to make this big of a decision? Could he be a rebound guy?
2) Is it possible the only reason your ex seems "changed" is because you are no longer available, and now a challenge to get back? I have a hard time believing someone changes their basic nature in four months.
3) Will you always wonder if you stay with the new guy, what if? Sometimes guys truly don't appreciate what they had until it is gone...do you think your ex is like this or more the thrill of the chase type?
Either way, you have to decide what to do about your new boyfriend. It is not fair to him if you are still harboring feelings for someone else. If you decide to stay with your new boyfriend, you are not going to be able to be friends with your ex for a long time. I think the first time you saw your ex it was too soon to try to be friends, but what is done is done. Right now, you can't see both men at the same time, even if you tell yourself you and your ex are "just friends". You will have to choose.
Good luck!
1Really it's up to you. Do you still have strong feelings for him? Are you in love with him, or is it just an interest in how different and a better person he is. You described your present relationship as everything you wanted. You guy as everything you wanted in a man. If this is true, and you believe you want your current relationship, keep it that way. Like the above post said, you will have to choose. There's no talk of getting back together maybe, but yes he is trying to get you back, by just showing you how "different" he is. If you don't want to mess things up, either break off contact again or set the record straight with your ex that you are friends nothing more and cease all talks about the past. Maybe you should at least limit the communication a bit, and the meetings. Don't set yourself up for a bad situation like going out for drinks at night or being alone in a room. You have a new man now and he's trusting you. Exes tend to create serious problems for relationships, but if he's what you really want, you have to honest with all three people. Your current bf, your ex, and yourself. Figure out what you want and take it from there.
2I agree with GScott and also jazztummy.
Honestly, reading what you have to post about your ex, I totally was agreeing that you guys need to break up (If you're tempted to go back to your ex: READ ALL YOU WROTE ABOUT HIM).
You're still young, you're in your prime, so to speak, and why do you want to subject yourself to a guy who doesn't have the same goal as you do.
You're probably not over your ex yet. If you're not yet in an exclusive relationship with the new guy (you guys are just seeing each other for a month), then don't do it yet. Postpone getting exclusive (being in a couple) when you still have conflicting emotion. Just focus on having fun/dating. And being single isn't such a bad thing too, rather than misleading one 'innocent' new guy, and being confused about an ex.
3I think you should cut the old boyfriend loose. He had you for a year and didn't value what he had. Who is to say that he will value you now? I know that people can change, but in my vast experience of dating and observing people who date (friends). I would let him go and continue with the new guy. My adage, when I was single was, after many years of broken hearts, was if they don't know what they have when they have it, they don't deserve a second chance. Hope it works out for you.
4Sometimes it does take men a little longer to realize but I'm sure everyone's mom has told them this: people don't change, not matter how hard you try. Even though he is a little open now, he most likely will not open up completely like how you envision you want him too.
5I don't totally agree...people do change, but still, no matter who anyone is, whether they do change or not, you'll never know who they really are. You take chances with people every single day, and they can surprise you at any moment. But then again, part of what mom says is true. There is a part of people that will always stay the same. It just depends on what part.
6Men always seem to have 'changed' when they want you back. They miss you and so they start to think, gee maybe I am a total idiot and really missed out by not being with her. But guess what, even if you were to get back together, what is to say that anything will truly be different with him? You took this time for yourself to get over him, and now you are happy with someone else. Now, he suddenly wants to see you and talk to you, and give you all of the things he never gave you before? Come on, this guy tore your heart out, and banged another girl while he was basically using you for sex too, and then lied about it. Why would you still have feelings for someone like this? Deep down, I think you know that he is a very toxic, selfish person. Don't let him upset your current relationship and your chance for real happiness, just because he suddenly acts like he has changed. He really doesn't deserve you, and you must know that deep down. Also, what makes you think he would be such a changed person if you 2 did get back together? I hope you make the decision that is right for you. If it helps, try to think about all of the pain he caused you. Then think about how much happier you feel with your current guy. Good luck to you.
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