My boyfriend just started a new band with a friend. They decided to make their logo 2 robots. For the past 3 days, he's been sending me drafts of the logo via messenger to get my input. Of course, he sends them to other people too.
Today I wasn't home most of the day, so I wasn't there to receive his newest version, which is of the 2 robots... with penises. And when I say penises, I don't mean robot penises; I mean drawings of human penises like you draw them when you're 13, with the larger rounded tip and the balls (and one of the robots was even sporting an erection!).
As we talk about it and I express that I don't particularly like it, he goes on to tell me that his other friends did. And then he tells me that some of these other friends are GIRLS.
That raised an eyebrow. I think it's inappropriate that he would send a drawing of a robot that represents him with a human penis to other girls without at least running it by me first. Especially because I don't know any of these girls; we've been together for 3 years, and I know he only talks to them online, but I have never met them or had any interaction with them.
He got very defensive and argued that the robots are not representations of him and his bandmate. I think that's absurd - who else could they be representing? His refusal to understand what I meant (even though in the past he's been very adamant that I could never do such things, so that double standard really set me off) made me angry, and I told him I was furious.
I understand that his INTENTION was not to show his penis to other girls; but I think he's big enough (he's 30 for crying out loud) to take a step back from his creative trance to realize that he's drawing a symbol of HIS PENIS and sending it to OTHER WOMEN.
What I'd like is a realization on his part that what he did was just a little disrespectful to me, a little inconsiderate, and that I deserve an apology. Not groveling on the floor and self-hate, but just "oh yeah, I didn't realize I shouldn't have done that, I should have thought about it, and I'm sorry."
All I want.
Can't seem to get it - just endless justifications and excuses and "you're over-reacting". I asked him how he'd feel if I drew a picture of myself as a robot with a big vagina and tits and sent it to a bunch of guys, and he pretends he wouldn't care. SERIOUSLY, he would go apesh*t. He's not being straight, here.
What can I do to make him understand?
Lowie
Mark Davis
DKNY
You can't make him understand. You can't make anyone understand something if they're not willing to try. I can see why you think the robots are representations of him and his bandmate and frankly, it makes perfect sense. On the other hand, it could serve solely as a logo. As for sending the logos to other girls, I don't see how it would be disrespectful to the relationship or why he would need your permission to send anything to anyone else, however, I can see why you were offended considering the content (which obviously, to anyone out there would represent him and his bandmate, considering there's only 2 people in the band if I'm correct). Frankly, especially considering he's 30, this is extremely immature behavior. Did he finish high school or is he taking night classes to graduate from middle school? Frankly it's immature and I would never sign this band to my record label if I were a signer.
The main problem I see here is that he refuses to at least try to understand. The only thing I can suggest to you is to talk to him about it again, in a calm setting without blowing up. I say this because guys do not respond well to being snapped at or to critical tones, we usually respond in kind and a yelling match starts (unless they've developed a higher level of being). Talk to him calmly, express your concerns and feelings, make it about you: "What you did makes me feel"... "Those drawings make me feel"... "I feel _____ when you"...
1I think it is juvenile to be drawing penises on robots for symbol/logo for a band, and the chance of it not being censored if they're serious band, is slim to none, it'll definitely be censored.
Saying that, as much as it's juvenile, possibly vulgar and immature, I can't see why you're that mad, doll.
Not asking your permission for him to not show that silly/ridiculous/vulgar logo to other people? I'm sorry, but you're not exactly his mother and he's an adult so he doesn't actually have to ask permission to show people inappropriate pictures. BUT. He certainly was inconsiderate for your feeling, maybe because he doesn't understand (frankly I-a girl-don't understand. I mean, if it were my fiancee, sending pics of some robots with penises to his friends, I'd laugh it off. UNLESS, it's a photograph of my fiancee's penis). Maybe he thought it was just a joking manner too, I mean, my fiancee's bro sent stupid vulgar pictures and jokes all the time to me (and his brother of course), and I think nothing of it.
The drawing of the penises..isn't of HIS real penis, right? It's probably some made-up thing, and it's not only him who's in the band, there are other people, right? If the people in his band actually want to represent themselves that way, it's really up to them to be that silly.
Maybe your anger is stemmed that you feel since this is a symbol of HIS penis, it's like him showing his own penis to his online people? If that's how you feel, you need to clarify it with him, in a calm manner. Or ask him next time to be more considerate by not show inappropriate pictures if possible to his female friends because in your book it feels like he may be flirting with them or trying to come on to them.
2It's not like he photographed his dick and sent it to people. He just drew penises on robots.
It does sound retarded though. Are you sure you want to date a 30 year old who sends drawings of robots with penises to online girl friends you've never met? Sounds odd to me.
3I think there are two issues here.
1) the double standard. You ought to be able to expect him to live up to the standards he has for you. That said, if he really won't acknowledge that he'd have been upset about you doing it, there's nothing you can do about it. (Well, you could draw a picture of yourself as a robot with a big vagina and tits and sent it to a bunch of guys...but why not just let him continue looking like an idiot on his own?)
2) the boyfriend. Is he usually this juvenile (in which case perhaps you can do better) or is this anomalous?
4It's a dumb drawing, get over it. I don't see what the big deal is: neither the drawing nor the fact that he sent it to a few people.
However, since he knows it bothers you, he should respect your feelings. I don't think asking him to keep it between his band mates is too much to ask.
5You're overreacting. It's a robot with a penis drawn like a 13 year-old would draw it, you said so yourself.
6bingo luisa.
I'd have a bigger issues with the chicks he's talking to online then the fact that he sent them pictures of robots with penises. Get your priorities straight and stop over thinking the wrong things.
7He won't understand your POV because he is just too immature. Anyone that would do this in the 1st place is immature. And the other people he sent it to probably thought it was a joke. I agree with Luisa, you are overreacting. But perhaps you are upset about this because it showcases his general lack of maturity and that is what you are really upset about?
8I get how you feel, love. You're not as much mad about the fact of what it is, but the immaturity of the situation of how he dealt with it, after the fact.
Personally? I'm sure the 'friends' don't like it, but just say it because they feel they should. I don't know anyone short of 11 year olds who think that is so cool. Unless they are 13, he seems to like people who have the same mindset, which you don't.
Everyone is correct; you can't make him understand. You can say you're hurt till you're blue in the face, but because he doesn't care about your feelings, then he won't understand. It's a lost fight, and he won't apologize.
Personally, I think the band logo screams his true age, and you should consider, or at least look out for more childish tendencies from him, and decide if you want to babysit a child.
( And I totally feel you about the double standard thing. The fights I've had with mine over the same stuff! )
9K, get over it sweetheart. As immature as he is for drawing penises on robots, your being totally irrational for getting mad about this! Let's say he would've drawn HIMSELF with his penis out, then I could somewhat understand where you were coming from. But seriously, it's just a DRAWINGGGGG!
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