So, I'm pretty pissed off. My fiance and I broke up after almost 4 years after I left an awesome job in an awesome city, for a sh*tty job in a so-so city, so that he could fulfill his career dreams. Oddly enough, thats not really the problem I'm having right now.
We have almost all of the same mutual friends. So its been a pretty delicate situation dealing with the friends in that I do not want to put them in weird situations, and I do not want to hear about any updates that they might want to mention when get together. In a way, I can tell it is killing them that we cant talk about it, but for the time being I am just not into hearing any news or details concerning my ex.
So that is my first problem, making sure they arent having a hard time maintaining a balance between their two friends. That means I am not saying anything negative about the break up and I've put on my happy face. The second problem, is that we live in a small(ish) city and only two blocks apart. I lived in my house first, and then he bought his. The problem with that is, that we have a neighborhood bar that we went to all the time to see all of our friends at. Some of our friends work there, too.
Technically, it was "my" bar first; I lived here first, and I picked the bar for us to go to, and he initially hated it. However, now I havent been back since the break up. I think its pretty safe to assume that he's painted not such a pretty picture of me in there since the end. And I'm almost sure he's brought some new girls there, which I also find somewhat disrespectful, but its a free country and there's not much I can do about that.
Basically, I feel like I have no idea how to "save face". I know that whenever I eventually do roll up in there, everyone's going to know all of these personal things about me, which may or may not even be true - who knows, I have no idea what the ex has said about me. For the most part, I do not care, I am a pretty strong person, but I guess I am just not looking forward to all of those "feeling sorry for you" faces. Sigh.
Maybe I am just being petty, shallow and paranoid, but its been about a month now that I have only seen my friends a couple of times, and I've been spending a lot of time alone to work through it all by myself. And when I've been seeing my friends lately, we've been going a little farther from home to go out just to get away from it all, which isnt exactly the safest thing. Lets face it, getting a dui would only make my life suck worse right now.
But just last night I started getting really pissed off; I feel like its pretty freaking unfair that he gets our dog, our friends (most of the time) and my bar. I keep thinking, "I was flipping here first damnit!" He has gotten so much else, too that is just too hard to describe in this post.
It is taking so much strength right now to not scream and cry, and I'm trying not to let the hatred into my heart, but I think I might be on the verge of getting mad at our friends, too. I know they're between a rock and a hard place, and it isnt necessary for anyone to take sides, because I know that he needs friends right now just as badly as I do, but I cant help but wish that someone would freaking take a stand for me. And who knows, maybe they have. But he has a lot more money than I do, so its just that he is available to go out a lot more often, and when he goes out he usually ends up paying for them, which I know is a good incentive and kind of too tempting to turn down. I just cant really offer that right now.
All I know is, fall is coming, and then winter, and I'm going to get pretty damn lonely here after a while. I've already watched seasons one through three of Lost, (I dont have cable so I'm stuck with DVDs) and I've been to the gym so much I've inadvertently lost 16 pounds. I'm getting pretty bored.
And one last question: I know I need to get out to a new bar (dont worry, I know there are other places to make friends, I have a job and am in grad school, and I go to the gym daily and to church weekly, it just seems to happen quicker out at a bar) to make some new friends that are all my own, but there are kind of two problems with a woman going to a bar alone.
The first one is that I feel like it makes me an easy target, as in maybe its not so safe to go home by myself after having a few, and the second is that I cant help but think that I would look pathetic as if I have a drinking problem or that I'm not a "nice girl". Lets face it, a man alone in a bar paints a completely different picture than a woman alone in a bar. Sad!
Anyhoo, there is my diatribe. I could use some advice on how to hang in there, how not to be pissed off when life is unfair, how to be patient, and how to get over my fear of looking like a pathetic loser! Should I just put on my big girl pants and go out alone and get over it? The 4th season of Lost doesnt come out until December, so I've got a couple months to kill in between now and then 
Gucci
Giorgio Fedon
Buti
First of all, girl, I sooooo feel for you! That is such a hard situation to be in! I think that you are right not to say anything bad to your mutual friends. Really, if he has said anything bad about you or anything that's a lie, those who know you will know that those things aren't true and he is the on who will look bad. And why can't you go to your neighborhood bar? I would go in there with my head held high and be as nice and friendly as I ever was and if I saw him? Be sweet - smile, say "hi, how are you doing" and then ignore him. If he brings in a girl, and you have to meet her or say anything to her, just be nice "hi, nice to meet you" - trust me, if he is doing anything different, he will be the one looking like an a$$! And once you go through that situation that you are dreading, you may find it isn't so bad. Oftentimes, it is our building it up so much in our minds that makes it horrible, when in reality, yeah, it is hard,but not nearly as terrible as we imagine.
Second, I am so worried about you not having anyone to talk to about what a hard time you are having. Spending so much time alone is not good for your mental state. Working out IS good, but I am not sure if you needed to lose 16 pounds....if you did, feel great about what you have accomplished there!
Third, I am telling you right now - don't ever drink and drive, please! If you are going out to bars with friends, fine, you can have a few, but for the last hour or so, only drink non-alcoholic drinks. When I go out to happy hour after work and know I will be driving home, I allow myself one drink when I first get there and then only non-alcoholic ones after that. Going out in the evenings, we designate a driver or will take taxis (don't know if that is an option for you or not).
Suggestions for you? Well, first of all, strike out to meet some friends on your own. You know a lot more about your city than I do, but is there a community college or something around that you can take a community education course through? Or something you have always wanted to learn or a group you have always wanted to join? Do it now. And example from my life is that when my grandmother died, my husband and I were living thousands of miles away. It was so hard on me not to be around my family at that time and while he tried to help,he really knew he couldn't do much for me. He new that when I was little I would sit with my grandma while she crocheted, so he presented me with a gift certificate to a local yarn shop in my grandmother's memory. I used it to pay for a beginning knitting class and from the first day, this one girl and I totally hit it off! That was 6 years ago and we are still best friends to this day - she is the one person I can always count on to be there for me, and more importantly, to not only listen to me, but to tell me what she really thinks (even when she thinks I am being a total moron - she tells me!)...friends like that are hard to find!
As for the new bar, you must have a friend that you can go to a new club or bar with. You don't have to go alone. After you are used to it, and have some new friendships established, it won't be such a big deal to go there alone, if you do that on occasion.
Invite your friends over to your house - hey, have a potluck and DVD marathon, create new memories with the people already in your life and slowly start adding new people in. It may take a while, but you did it once before when you moved to this town, you can do it again!
Sorry, I went on forever - I'll shut up with my bossiness now.
But you know
that all your sugar friends are in your corner! You can rise above this nasty situation and come out on top, I know it!
1I'm so sorry you are going through all that. My ex has my dog too
2Anyways, I moved to a new city this Spring and shortly after my long-distance relationship broke up. I was only supposed to be here temporarily, and suddenly I found myself stuck here and knowing NO ONE. I know what you mean about a girl going into a bar, it's just not that easy. It definitely looks like you are just trying to hook up with someone. I didn't know what else to do, so I got on the internet. I met some really cool people on okcupid.com, and eventually met my current boyfriend on **cough** hotornot.com -- I know it sounds silly but it worked! I told myself I would go out with different kinds of people, even if I wasn't attracted to them, because maybe I would find cool places to go or meet some of their friends. It started happening, and pretty quickly I had plans every weekend. I wasn't even looking for another relationship yet, but he kind of fell into my lap. I know quite a few people who have had success with this, and it was completely worth it!
What I think you need to do to regain your bar and feel confident again is find a new guy, even if he's just a friend, and bring him in with you. That way you don't look sad or lonely and people will be more likely to forget all the old stuff.
Good luck!
Okay, I really feel for you, you are not in a good situation at all. Firstly, as you have pointed out in your post, it was your bar first. Therefore, everyone there knew you first, and regardless of what he has told them they should still be your friends. The only reason they put up with your ex is because he is paying for their drinks.
3Secondly, if you go in there and your ex is there and has been saying bad things about you, just think of how awkward he is going to feel, knowing he was a jerk. It would make me feel good just to go in there and watch him squirm, and put him in an uncomfortable situation.
I too once moved to a small town and got married. After my marriage fell apart, I moved back to where I was from and started putting my life back together. All of the friends I had made when I was married still keep in contact with me and some still keep in contact with my ex.
I understand you are in a dark place right now and you are trying to be strong, but it's okay to have a breakdown. I should hope that some of your friends should be there for you to talk to, and if you feel like they aren't, they shouldn't even be considered your friends.
You have every right to be mad about losing the things you enjoyed, so take them back. As easy as it is for me to say, I know it isn't as easy to do, but keep your head held high and you shall triumph.
If you need to chat you can message me. I just hope you don't feel like you have to go through this alone.
I'm sorry this happened, especially after 4 years. Breaking up is never easy. I can understand being angry, I have been there myself.
1. Your friends balancing the mutual friendships: I have experienced the mutual friends situation. I was pissed at first, because I thought they chose his side. That wasn't the case. I wasn't thinking rationally, because I was so pissed, hurt, upset, etc. There were a few of them that did take sides, but my REAL friends were there for me. Later they told me, they didn't know what to say and thought giving me space was best.
After learning this, I was able to talk about the break-up. They didn't bad mouth the ex, but gave me support. Mostly I needed to vent, which helped immensely. Your REAL friends won't care what he says about you. If you want support, ask them for it. People are usually clueless about what we need. I have learned it's okay to ask and tell people what I need to feel supported. Somewhere in our past, a lot of us have learned it's not okay to do that. We assume people know what we need and wonder why we don't get it. By not asking or telling what we need, it causes frustration for our friends.
2. The bar: Go in there with your head held high. If he did bad mouth you, then people will think he's an *sshole. Especially, if the others know what a good person you are. If you walk into an uncomfortable situation, you can either ignore him or leave. Martini said to basically take the classy approach. That's good advice. That makes you the better person. If he's bad mouthing you, don't do it also. That makes you look like an immature, vindictive b*tch. You might not feel like doing that, but it's better than doing or saying something you might regret later. People will notice your class and know he's an *sshole.
3. Watching Lost: Are you watching Lost, because you feel like you're on a deserted island also? I'd watch Gilligan's Island instead. I know it's a corny show, but some parts are funny. Get out of the house! Becoming a "shut-in" isn't good for you. That's when you start the negative thinking. Then you're pissed off all over again. It more exhausting mentally and easier to be mad. I'm not saying you have to forget what happened, but give your emotions some time off. I'd focus on what the relationship and break-up have taught you. I believe there's something to be learned in all good/bad experiences. We do have a choice of how we apply those lessons in the future though. Venture out and experience new things. You'll learn so much about yourself. New experiences are always good. Try something you've always wanted too and haven't. Ask your friends or new friends to go. Broaden your horizons. He will be a distant memory in time.
Don't drive drunk. Take a cab. Some bars give free taxi service.
4you said that you are in grad school. ARe there any people there you can hang with? What about special groups at the school you attend? I am sure that you will land on your feet. You sound very together. Everyone has given you good advice and you seem to be handling all of this well.
Good luck!
5Everyone has given good advice... I just wanted to chime in to say that I'm sorry about everything and I hope it works out!
6You're making a lot of assumptions - that he hasn't painted a pretty picture of you and that he's taken new girls to the bar, for two examples.
I know you're angry and hurt, but pouting, getting angry and assuming things is no way to get over a guy. If you really love that bar, GO BACK. Get a friend or two and go have a drink. Or find a new place you've never been before. You'll meet new people and get a change of scenery.
If you're that upset about the dog, share it. It sounds silly, but some exes share custody of pets.
If you're uncomfortable sharing friends, talk to them about it. be honest, but your cards on the table, and see what you can all work out. Don't forget they're stuck in the middle of this too. If you can be happy and fun to be around, I guarantee you'll get more invites than if you're grumpy and angry.
And next time you're in a relationship, don't act married until you actually are. You'll save yourself a lot of heartache if it doesn't work out.
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