I say "LOVE" because I don't really believe he truly loves her, but wait...that's not the point just yet.
What's messing me up here is the fact that he is involved with a married woman, the details of this in itself is what has been causing me so much grief.
He and I broke up a year ago and I went on to another relationship myself. He was alone for most of the year until around October, when he began hanging out more with some new friends of his - a married couple, to whom he had only just recently been introduced. He and I decided to stay friends, as that is usually what I do, when the relationship ends amicably. However, things got quite complicated when he informed me that the couple asked him if he would like to "join" them in their bed, an offer he chose to take.
In short - what started as a sexual thing with a married woman (whose husband was in on it and ok with it all along!) has turned into an apparently full blown relationship. Now he is saying he loves her and that she loves him. Now he wants to bring her to Italy to meet his parents (very Catholic parents, I might add. I'm sure they would have a huge problem with it if they knew she was MARRIED!!!) She pretty much supports her husband, he hardly works and now she has asked my ex to move into their house to live with them.
My ex wants to get married and have a family and this woman is actually telling my ex he can have kids with her! Well, in the beginning of all this, it was hard to handle. I really tried to hang out with my ex on a friend level but everytime we would hang out, the subject would always arise. I was never ok with it and I'm extremely open minded. I don't think he can see very clearly at all because I know he is still heartbroken and she is completely taking advantage of that! Anyway, at first I didn't know what to call it. A Threesome. I don't know. Then I figured they were swingers. I didn't discover until today the most appropriate definition, so to speak: Polyamorous relationship.
Ok, so it might be all well and good between the 3 of them but my ex had to go and make it even more complicated for me when he disclosed that they were in LOVE now. Meanwhile, her husband is still all ok with it!
Well, this just changes things. I could barely handle it before but now I really can't handle it. If they want to do that, then fine but not everyone will be able to accept that. I'm a firm believer in monogamy and so is my ex. I know this sort of relationship is not what he really wants, but it's what makes him feel good right NOW. I know he must feel like a king but it is very hard for me to just be friends with him and have to hear about all this when it really makes me mad and all I really want to do is tell that woman off. He wants us all to be friends! He wants me to meet her! She has no desire to meet me nor do I have any desire to meet her. I finally had to remove myself from the equation the other day. I told him it was ruining my life and it truly was. I need counseling for this. I'm in my own relationship, I don't need the added drama. I just don't agree with it and I never will. He says I'm not really a friend if I can walk away. He doesn't understand. He expects me to just be able to deal with it. It's not so easy. Not at all. If she were a single girl, I would have no problem getting to know her. I would have no problem hanging out with the two of them but she is not single. She is married. I think that whole thing is just too messed up.
My ex is in "love" with a married woman
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None of this is any of your business. Get a hobby!
1I understand your concern for someone you used to be very close with. But the reality is that it's his life and frankly, he can do whatever he wants.
That said, you don't have to bear witness to it if it really bothers you as much as you say it does.
I think ending the friendship was the correct thing to do.
If you want, you can write him a letter - a non-judgmental letter, mind you - telling him that you care about him, but that for whatever reason, you are unnaturally concerned about this relationship he is in to the point that it's affecting your well-being. Then just let it go, and let him go.
2Didnt this person write in with the exact same story a couple months ago except that the ex kept saying he wanted to get back together with the Poster and then changed his mind when he started doin the married chick?
Whatever. Same advice: It's none of your business. Get away from him, focus on your own relationship. Mind your own damn business.
Also... try counselling. You're dwelling on something that doesnt effect you AT ALL. Grow up.
"Don't fall for someone who's not willing to catch you"
3The whole time I was reading this, I was thinking "what's this got to do with you?"
I guess the only way it ties you in is the fact that he is trying to make you meet her and become friends, etc, and you don't want to because of what she stands for. Tell HIM that if he doesn't respect your beliefs and keeps forcing you, then HE'S not really a friend.
It's hard to see someone you care about diving into a wall of fire, but seeing as the woman's husband knows this all and is OK with it- she's not technically cheating. I'm completely against this affair, but it doesn't look like anyone is being lied to or used. Everyone is willing and having a good time, strange as it may be.
How your ex is gonna handle everything with his parents is not really that much of your business, you sound a tad obsessed to me. Try to clear your head, and get that counseling if it really is bothering you that much.
Protect your heart until you find someone who can do it better than you.
4What he does is not your business anymore. Giving your approval or disapproval will not change his mind. He's an adult and has to live with the consequences of his choices. Nobody has control over anyone.
It sounds like your jealous and not over your ex. Especially since you said it was ruining your life. If he's just a friend, how can it ruin your life? You're not involved in the threesome. Or is it a foursome and you're the one not having sex. If my friends do something I don't approve of, I figure it's their business, not mine. If they ask my opinion, then I tell them what I honestly think.
Focus on your own relationship and not his. Worrying about it won't do anything for you and him. If it bothers you, then stay away. Simple as that. It's okay to not be friends with an ex, even if it ends amicably. Then this kind of confusion of feelings and drama is avoided. Like luisa said, get a hobby.
5The three individuals involved in this situation are all consenting adults, and have chosen to be involved in this situation of their own free will. That doesn't mean that it is necessarily healthy, but I don't really think that is a judgement for you to make. I can understand that you are morally against this, as many people would be. But you are not one the three people in the situation, so it is not your choice to make. If you can't stand it, but you really want to remain friends with him, then tell him that you are against what he is doing and don't want to hear about it EVER. Or else end the friendship with him, obviously it is causing you way too much stress to be worth it. Stop feeling sorry for your ex. He has chosen this situation, when he could easily have walked away. He is not a victim here in any sense of the word. The fact that you want to tell this woman off makes me think that you are jealous of her in some way. I think you are getting too involved in this situation and need to just walk away. Good luck to you.
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