My boyfriend and I have been dating for nearly a year. We've had our ups and downs of course, like every other couple but this time I am terrified. About a month ago an ex girlfriend came back into his life and he confessed to me that being in contact with her was causing him to feel something for her. She has absolutely no interest in him. I told him that it hurt and he assured me that he loves me he just couldn't stop thinking about her. He is not the type who would cheat, we are each others best friend and we both love one another deeply. I told him to take the month to think about his feeling and what he wanted and he thanked me for that, at the same time I couldn't abandon him because he was going to take his CFA exam the first week in June and I wanted him to have as much free time to study as possible. I cooked, cleaned, took care of him in every possible way. He told me that he felt like sh*t because even though I was doing all that for some reason he kept thinking about her. This is where my problem comes up--- I freaked out and thought that he was going to leave me. If that was the case I was going to leave his life completely, no trying to be friends, nothing. So I created a profile on the Onion personals. His close friend was on there ( we had dinner together once) so I decided that by creating the profile I would be able to speak to him and ask him to do me a favor. That favor was going to be to keep me informed on my boyfriends well being. I had found his friend on Facebook but decided against because if I added his friend he would find out. I will make it clear--- my intention in creating that profile was NOT to find someone to date, I created that profile out of fear of losing my boyfriend; I needed to know that once I was gone from his life he was OK, that he was healthy and alive, that is the ONLY reason. After I created the profile I "hotlisted" his friend, not the site didn't have a friend option so that was the only was I could keep an eye on him and I never would have thought that he would find out about it. Any way, his friend contacted him and told him he recognized me. This all happened 2 days before his CFA which I think made things even worse. My boyfriend completely freaked out. He asked me about it and whether I had contacted anyone (which I hadn't) and I answered no so he asked if I had winked or hot-listed anyone and I replied no ( i was afraid of his reaction. He then told me I had betrayed him and that I killed the trust he had in me. He said he didn't want to be with me and that he is incapable of believing anything that comes from my mouth. I apologized and told him that I did that out of fear. I was extremely stupid in doing that but I was also scared that he was going to leave me for his ex. Nothing I said changed his mind. After a couple of days he sent me an email telling me that he wants to be friends. Turns out that had I not made this stupid mistake we could be together because he wants nothing with his ex. He claims to still love me dearly but that he cannot be with someone he doesn't trust. This past weekend we spent some time together as normally did and ended up having sex, through out the entire time we were together he didn't change, he was still affectionate with me. He is hurt but he will never admit to it, his defenses are back up, the ones I had to overcome when we first started dating. I am beyond heart broken about this whole ordeal and I'm so afraid of losing him. Of course I want to be friends, but I also want my boyfriend back. I want that man that made me happy for the first time in my life, I want my other half. If I could turn back time I would but unfortunately I cant. Ladies please help me. Should I be forgiven? Also, what can I do to get my boyfriend back? I love him dearly and would give my life for him. Please help me and don't tell me I should just move one, that is not an option...

-- heartbroken Marie