I have been with my current boyfriend for one year. I'll start off by saying he is someone I can really see myself marrying. We have a wonderful, loving relationship. He is one of the most trust-worthy, caring, and dependable individuals I have ever met. Our sex life is simply amazing, and we share many of the same passions. I am in my mid twenties, and he is seven years older than me. He is an established musician, and recently was away on tour for a few weeks and I had a lot of time to myself to think. I started to get this anxious feeling about "where this is going". I know that we haven't been together very long in the scheme of things... but I started to get very worried about our future. Since the very early months of our relationship, he has made it very clear that he does not anticipate being financially or emotionally ready to get married and have children in the next five years. Since I am only three years out of college, I hadn't even been thinking about settling down, so this declaration of his was never an issue. However, while he was gone, it really made me start to panic. I started to wonder if he will EVER be ready to settle down. His music is his passion and I would never want to take that away from him, but he just seems so content constantly traveling and networking, that I don't see him wanting to settle down with me... even after five years! The dilemma this creates for me is that in five years, I'll be in my thirties and ready to have a husband and a family. I'm afraid that if I stay with him I will end up with a man who won't commit, and I will have wasted my chance to find love in my 20s. I've tried to talk to him about this, and all he can say is that it's my decision. He says that he loves me, and that he thinks he will eventually have a family... but he can't promise anything. He says that he has no idea what his life holds. He says he wants to be with me, but he understands if I am not willing to take a gamble on my future. This is in no way an issue of trust. I have never trusted a man more than I trust him. He is not the type that would ever cheat. He is an loving, honest man... which is why he won't make me a promise he can't keep right now. What should I do? Gamble with my ultimate goal of having a husband and children in order to stay with my perfect guy... or cut my losses and try to move on while I still have the chance? PLEASE help me!
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I know this doesn't really help, but no one can make your decision for you.
This guy is being honest: he doesn't know.
He doesn't know if he'll sacrifice his freedom for a family and kids. It might not be the lifestyle he wants.
IN MY OPINION, if you really do love someone, you will definitely want have a future with them eventually. But he sounds like he's not sure if he will ever want to.
What might this say?
That he doesn't love you enough, or that he wants freedom more than he wants a family with you?
I don't think either answer is acceptable.
1I would put it into your mind that if you stay with this guy you will never have children. Think of it like that and find out whats more important, being with this guy or risking not having children. If you want to risk not having children to stay with the man you love then you already know your decision, if you want children then you should err on the side of kids and move on.
Good luck!
"Don't fall for someone who's not willing to catch you"
2Trust is good. The thing about a serious relationship is you have to be willing to make a compromise each of you is happy with. If you love him and he loves you, stay with him. However, he has to put in his two cents. The relationship might be a bit off balance, if he keeps saying "it's your decision".
I think to have a successful family full of love you have to first, and continue, to love and get along with your partner. If you have that now and you love and respect each others goals, kids will happen. When that comes you'll still be with the perfect guy and have some little perfect children running around. Communication is extremely important though, and if he's not willing to at least commit to what you want in life then your communication is just going to get worse. You'll grow a part. If this is a strong, lasting relationship you can support his wishes to wait a few years and he can respect what you want for your future.
This is kind of cheesy to add... but a psychologist named Robert Sternberg came up with this theory called the triangular theory of love. It is a theory about what makes a successful relationship. It includes 3 things: Intimacy (your bond between one another), Passion (physical attraction and romance) and Commitment (promising to stay with one another). If you have 1 or 2 of those things, the relationship won't work. If you have all 3, you have a good solid relationship. J ust something to keep in mind.
3He has told you in no uncertain terms that he does not see a family with you. You're wasting time with this guy.
4I meant to say he doesn't see a future with you (not family), but same dif, really.
5I agree we can't make this decision for you.
You need to decide what is most important to you, a man who is the love of your life, or marriage and a kid.
Don't be afraid of the answer being marriage and a kid - it's okay to know what you want and to go for it.
6I am sorry that you are going through this kind of existential crisis. It is a difficult decision, and as a matter of fact, I was looking at this post due to my own relationship woes!
In any event, I think that it may be wise to move on. You are young enough to develop another good relationship and eventually get the other things that you want (a family with a man you love). In matters of the heart, I find it best not to bet on low odds. He is being honest with you. Now you need to be honest with yourself. Be strong and move forward towards that what you dream of. Even if he does not want to be a part of it, I am quite sure, believe it or not, another beautiful man will!
We're rooting for you!
7i think you are stressing this too much.
8To me, there are two core questions here:
1) Is having kids more important to you than having a wonderful guy who can focus on you entirely in the little time he has with you?
2) Will you be satisfied with the little time he seems to be home or will you eventually feel neglected or alone if he keeps being gone for weeks?
If I were you I'd look at those issues and figure things out based on that. After all, guys like him don't magically appear in your life and there's no guarantee that you'll ever find anyone ever again who's as compatible as he seems to be. So it is a hard decision indeed.
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