losing my relationship with my mother - does anyone understand me? Jan 27, 2012 1:45 PM Okay. This might be a long one. Please stick with it because I am in a terrible place right now and could really use advice. ive already talked my friends ears off about this, and can not afford a therapist right now. I am 25. i work full time and am in graduate school. i live at home with my mom, and my dog. my dad passed away about 6 months ago (it was unexpected). Ive had a bipolar type relationship with my mom my whole entire life. she is overly harsh and critical and has always been. the biggest example would be how she has always criticized my weight (mind you, i'm 5'4" and weigh 115 lbs) and when i gained the "freshman 15" at college would call me fat, and would make a comment about everything i ate. at my heaviest i was maybe 135lbs, which is still an average weight for my height. anyways, her harsh criticism paved the way for me to become bulimic in my teen years and worse in my college years, but i have control on that now and am at a happy and healthy place with my body. all she cares about is how i look, and how i make her look to other people, and that i stay at a size 0. all she talks about is how when she was my age she was going out to clubs every night looking hot and meeting all these famous people. its seriously embarassing. so, not only is she critical of me, but she is critical of everything i do. when my dad was alive, she would constantly critisize him (the poor man had cancer for years) over everything, and she seriously put him in his grave. my dad and i are both the same person: loving, outgoing, and carefree. he was just too passive to ever fight her. but i know her constant fights over nothing (such as if he folded towels wrong) really killed him. she is just a negative person, and doesnt like any of my friends, and worst of all, HATES my boyfriend. i would understand if he was some type of gangbanger, but he comes from a wonderful family, has a college education (thats where we met) and works for his family's (extremely) successful business. he has been my rock since my dad died, and i hope that we will get married and start a family some day. my problem is that my mom is ALWAYS criticising him. even if we aren't talking about him, she has to throw in something about how ugly he is, or how stupid he is, etc. she calls him a dwarf (he is 5'10") and says he looks like a little boy and doesnt understand how i can kiss him because he looks creepy and gross. i dont understand where this comes from, cause my female friends think he is attractive, and hes even more attractive because of how good of a person he is and how wonderful he treats people. for example, last night we were sitting around watching tv and she started making a comment on how hot australian guys are because they look like men, not like little boys and a man should look like a man not like a little boy. i didnt say a word. a few days before that i was talking about how much fun my bf and i had with his family when we went to dinner, and that his mom was so nice to buy me a little gift, and she said "well yeah, she knows she needs to buy you things and show you how much money they have so you stay with her son" (i am NOT with him for his family's wealth, thats not even important to me) honestly, im sick of her comments. it eats me up inside because i know deep down she has a good heart. she has raised me well, with respect and manners. but after my dad died, she made me cry literally every day with all the crap she gave me about my boyfriend. she told me that the reason my dad died was because he didnt approve of my choice in my boyfriend (we had only been dating a few months when my dad died, and my dad didnt get to know him too well) and that my dad hated him. she also went around telling family friends that he was rude and disrespectful to her because he ate something in front of her and she didnt like the smell (WTF?!?!) my bf has tried to reach out to her and stuff and she just refuses. now she complains that i dont spend any time home (i barely have time to breathe between work and school) but i dont even want to be near her. i feel bad because i know how lonely she is, but shes such a freakin bitch that im not surprised that shes so lonely. who else but family would tolerate her shit? not even her own sister talks to her cause of how mean she is. i feel bad cause i go out on the weekends with my friends and bf, and she just sits at  home all day every day. but at the same time, the second i spend time with her she has to critisize my boyfriend somehow and it makes me sick. if i ever say anything positive about him she just fires back at me some reason why he is inferior. i have never even said shut up to my mother, and have never disrespected her but the fact that she disrespects me and my realtionship constantly is really bothering me. another example, when he booked a trip for us last year for my birthday to a theme park (i LOVE rollercoasters, shes known this since i was little) i was super excited to go and when i told her she was just like "he couldnt take you somewhere nicer? whats wrong with him? i dont know why you even want to go there, its stupid". my heart was broken. when i came back from the trip she didnt even ask me how it was and if i had a good time. i just dont know how to find that balance where i can still have a realtionship with her and keep my sanity. if i spend more than a few hours with her, i know the criticisms will start and then i get mean and bitchy. can anyone empathize with me? i dread going home cause now that my dads not there, i have no one normal to talk to . im an only child as well, and i have no family in the united states (both my parents are immigrants). moving out is not an option since i cant afford it, and i stay at my bfs house 3 or 4 nights a week anyways. my mom always yells at me so ive even started lying to her about where im going and what im doing just to shut her up. any advice? Should I do something or let him fix this by himself. Jan 27, 2012 1:07 PM my BF workes for his brother but lately they have been going through some disagreements (not about work) and their relationship suffers from those disagreement. he adores his brother but expresses the need to get away from him for a while to clear his head and getting paid by his brother is not helping and ruining his ego. I, on the other hand, am going to receive a reasonable amount of money in a year (selling our family house and dividing the shares). and I constantly think about what to do with that money (opening my own business). lately I have been thinking maybe I should let my BF start his business with that money. but I know myself, and I know after doing this I'll be always questioning if he is with me for this or for real stuff. So I am really confused. do you think I should help him? I really hate it when I see him this sad. and one year is a long time, maybe he will patch things up with his brother? on the other hand, I would really like him to be independent, not needing his brother or even me. but shoudn't I be there for him and do whatever it takes to make him happy?   P.S: he is one sweet loving man and strong at the same time. Jump in with opinions :-) Jan 27, 2012 9:58 AM Dearest community, I am 21, going on 22, have been with my boyfriend since we I was 17 and we just broke up 4 weeks ago. I am not going crazy, I don't feel hopeless, I have plans for the future, so that's all good. Problem is, I love that bastard and I know that he loves me. Problem is, I think, that were a bit to immature for the reaaaaally long-term relationship and that we ended up being a bit confused and we each had to take some freedom to figure things out. We live in the same city, but I go to college in a different city, so we don't see each other, which I also think is good for now, but here goes... I think that we both can't let go... there don't pass more than 3 days when we don't contact each other... we don't talk, we just pass sms... when I don't text him, he texts me and viceversa.... we both admitted that we still love each other and that we miss each other... And theeeere goes my question. I am finishing college this year, so I know that I need to use this time to study and to figure some stuff out for the future, which by the way, I am doing... (Amen to meditation! :-) ). What do you think are the chances that a situation like us will turn into the better? Do you think it would be just better to turn my back to the past and look to the future? Or keep a door a little bit open for negotiations? Thank you! Trying to Avoid sex with my Boyfriend Jan 27, 2012 9:16 AM We've had so many sexual problems. I'm 24 and he's 29. We've been dating for close to 4 years now. He was my first sexual partner. We started having sex after about a year together, although it was very rare. We would sometimes have gaps of up to 2 months at a time. If I was getting laid once a month, it was a miracle enough - two was out of this world. We had lots of fights about that and he always claimed he was 'paranoid' about getting me pregnant. Earlier on in the relationship, he told me that this wasn't an issue with his long-distance ex, with whom he had been about a year. He told me they sometimes had sex twice a day. He also did many other hurtful things regarding her - i.e., it was very obvious he was not over her - and I suffered through the first 1.5 to 2 years of our relationship. Talk about a sex drive killer. During the 'pregnancy paranoia' issue (which lasted until I got on the pill last year, even though we had always use condoms and spermicide), I would try to initiate sex and he would reject me. The next day, I'd ask again, and he'd angrily reject me again. Finally I told him that I would never initiate sex again, as it made no sense for me to continually get the proverbial stomp. That's a partial lie - I have initiated some since, but sparingly. In the last month, we've had one quickie. He recently started grad school, which eats up all of his time, and he works full-time. I work full-time, take care of all of our housework and errands, etc. And since I've started the pill, my desire has waned. I went from thinking about sex very often and feeling aroused at least once or twice a week to maybe finding myself spontaneously in the mood maybe once or twice a month. I don't fantasize about my boyfriend sexually. Before he left for work this morning, he insisted we would be having sex tonight. I doubt it, as surely grad school will eat up all of his free time again. Part of me doesn't even care anymore and I hope I can find a way to avoid being intimate with him. He's awful in bed. He's not one for foreplay, and he's very selfish in bed. He just wants to get in, get out and get on with his life (TM) while leaving me cold. We've had so many talks that I'm blue in the face. I used to have some sex toys - like a vibrator - but this made him even lazier. He just wanted head all of the time and left me to take care of myself. I threw it out and I will never again buy another sex toy...and told him so. When we're having sex or oral, he's even given me the lie, "FInish me first, and then I'll finish you." The one or two times I was stupid enough to fall for this, of course I was left cold again while he laid back satisfied. I'm about 50 pounds overweight, down from about 100 pounds overweight when he and I met and started dating...so the weight can't be an issue for his lack of interest in sex. I think mine's a combination of earlier frustration in the relationship/how terrible he is in bed/just not having desire from taking the pill. Sometimes I imagine what it would be like to have sex with somebody else, until I realize: a.) I'm 50 pounds overweight, so it's unlikely I could meet a quality sex partner, as every guy I've ever been with has turned out to have issues with my weight (My ex even told me he was happy I was overweight because it made him feel more secure in the relationship...and free to treat me like crap I guess) and b.) That means actually taking my clothes off and being intimate with someone...ugh. Is good sex even possible? My boyfriend, through his frequent rejections in the past, always tried to claim that he was just "getting old" and past his sexual prime. Uh...he's only in his late twenties here. I don't see myself marrying him, as that would likely mean a sexless marriage down the road. I would like to WANT to have sex, and it frustrates me that I no longer really have any desire. When he touches me or kisses me, I just want him to go away. I think it might be my way of trying to reclaim a sense of self-esteem and power in the relationship after being repeatedly sexually rejected. Is there any hope for this? how long of a long distance? Jan 26, 2012 9:28 PM i'm moving in the summer to start law school in a different state. my boyfriend and i have been together for nearly a year and it's been long distance this whole time. he's been so proud and excited for my acceptance and that i'm starting this new chapter of my life but i'm not sure how or where he's going to fit in. he wants to stay where he lives and "commute" to work, that is, fly to louisiana where i'll be every weekend, then fly back up north for work during the week. i feel like this is a huge financial burden and a giant potential for stress. i know he wants to be with me and i'm grateful he's willing to put forth that much effort but i feel like it's a ridiculous plan. i love him and i know i want to be with him, but i'm just not sure how to proceed. i did apply to some schools closer to him but i've either been wait-listed or haven't heard back yet so louisiana is looking more and more like my best choice. should i just resign myself to another three years of long-distance or is there some other plan i haven't thought of? i feel selfish expecting him to quit his job and find one where i'll be living, but the thought of him having this insane schedule or just continuing our current one of seeing each other around twice a month (which will be even harder once i have schoolwork on the weekends and obligations) makes me sick to my stomach. i hate the idea of breaking up with him over this when i really truly feel like he's the one for me. i just don't know what to do. any suggestions or ideas would be great Straight girl with lesbian fantasies? Jan 26, 2012 7:56 PM I have been attracted to men my whole life. I had "boyfriends" in elementary school. Ive never been attracted to a woman and have never questioned my sexual orientation or ever felt confused. But the weird thing is, I get aroused by pictures of naked women. The even weirder thing is I generally have to already be aroused for it to work. Sometimes throughout the day I randomly get horny, if I see a picture of a naked woman it turns me on more. If I'm masturbating sometimes ill look at naked pictures. I think its a bit odd. Sometimes I think its because the female body has been so sexualized by society that that's what I turn to. Sometimes while I'm masturbating I have lesbian fantasies. I'm just a bit confused, ive never thought to be with a women, ive always enjoyed looking at men so why do I have lesbian fantasies when I'm horny? I mean I fantasise about men as well, its not just women, but sometimes (more often) id rather look breasts. Is this normal? I think its a strictly visual thing, I prefer the soft curves of a woman's body than the hard slants of a man. To me the female body is more aesthetically pleasing. Am I the only one that does this? Are relationships supposed to be draining? Jan 26, 2012 5:36 PM My boyfriend and I are long distace so everyday it feels like a rollar coaster of feelings. LDR are sooooo damn hard but we try. I see now that it's draining me emotionally, physically, mentally... Are normal relationships supposed to be like this? My sick fantasy Jan 26, 2012 1:22 PM I want to get raped. Statistically 4 out of 10 women have fantasies about this and my bf wants to fulfil one of my fantasies since I fulfilled one of his. He is scared of doing this and feels like he can hurt me. We are both going to try this. Anyone ever feel like this or think it's a bad idea? Wasted Years Jan 26, 2012 7:42 AM I detest reading long posts so I will make it short. Met a guy, dated, he got confused, needed space, dated again, became FWB since he felt he couldn't commit to a relationship, then changed his mind, dated, needed space...you get it. He is a very defensive person and he would take my inflection of text out of context and would call me stupid and use snide comments like -You see that's why we aren't together because you act like this. -This is why we will never work because of you. I love him but I don't love the way he is indecisive with how he feels about me. He tells me I make him want to meet other women but then he acts jealous with me and other guys. Some days he tells me that we can continue to be FWB instead of dating so that we can move on. Then other days he tells me he can't imagine his life without me. I need to get off this roller coaster. I have broken things off with him and then the above happens but only in the way that he can't "live" without me. This has been happening for six years now. Wasted Years! How can I get out of this? Advice on how to deal with my Mom's Family? Jan 25, 2012 7:54 PM First of all, I lost my 14 year old son on February 4, 2011. He was struck by a car and spent a month in the hospital before passing. This shattered me. During this time, my unemployed aunt that refused to look for work and is a hoarder lost her home and needed a place to stay. I let her stay in exchange for watching my 6 year old son and providing before and after school care. My home was only a 2 bedroom and atter the school year was over she demanded that I sell my home and get something larger or she wasn't going to help me out anymore. During this time, my abusive ex boyfriend decided to move in too and mooch off of me. So I tripled my living expenses to live to please them and took a major loss on my home. My aunt and bf basically confined me to my bedroom and didn't want me in the living room or kitchen. They would make snide comments and not allow me to even watch television.  You have to understand, I was in quite an emotional wreck mourning the loss of my child and easily influenced by them. Neither of them contributed financially to the household and basically were like parasites. My aunt had at least a dozen dressers and they were lined up in my living room, hallways and even in the driveway under a tarp. I expressed my displeasure with the mess and said it wasn't acceptable and she became very irate. She would have long loud conversations with my Grandma talking very badly about me., telling her I was a horrible mother and was horrible to live with. After several months of this, I walked down the hall barefoot to step in cat urine. I asked my aunt to clean it up as it was from her cat and she screamed at me that it wasn't her responsibility and that the carpet needed to be replaced anyways. This was the last straw, I gave her written notice that she had to be out in 30 days. She quickly moved in with another relative but left most of her stuff here including a non running car. She has turned my entire family against me and because my Mom stood up for me, my Grandma turned against her too. She has even contacted friends of mine and my ex's mother who has always hated me badmouthing me and calling my Mom crazy because she is manic depressive, saying this stuff to complete strangers on Facebook. My dilema now is all this stuff that she has left at my house and sitting in the driveway. I've aked her to get the items several times and she refuses and says she doesn't have enough money. I refuse to help her in any capacity. I really want to just dispose of her things and the abandoned car because they look very terrible in my yard and I'm embarassed but am terrified of even more backlash. Also, my ex that moved back in with me started abusing me even more after she left and purposely wrecked my car, punched holes in the wall and punched our son's computer until it broke. I was able to remove him from the home by the police. But now I feel very alone and am disgusted that in my very fragile emotional state, I was taken such advantage of by a family member. How should I further deal with her? We are going to try at a relationship Jan 25, 2012 10:38 AM My fwb and me are going to try to have a relationship. We have been fwb for five years and friends prior to that for two. We decided it was time because we both haven't wanted to try and be with other people but we don't want to mess up the passion we have. We don't date other people, we don't even have sex with other people, it's just us. I'm scared. I haven't had a boyfriend in over 5 years and he hasn't had a girlfriend in 8. We both talked about this and feel it's the right decision since we both feel something for each other..other than sex. Sorry if it sounds stupid but how can you be a good girlfriend? am i "just his girl?" Jan 25, 2012 8:23 AM ill make this short and sweet and just give the details that u need to know been with my bf since april of last year, have been friends with him since we were 18 (we are 26 now) we have a strong, loving relationship, its getting pretty serious, we spend alot of time with his family and his mom has told me how much she loves me and how lucky he is to have me and how happy she is that we are together (and that shes ready for grandbabies, but no pressure lol) i can see us getting married and having babies - hes so great and we are so great together. so heres the little issue: he was talking to his cousin who is leaving to join the navy. he only sees his cousins maybe 2 times a year, they live halfway across the country and his mom and his aunt have a strained realtionship (she has drug issues) he speaks to the cousins maybe once every other month or so so, i was on my bf's phone playing a game, and in the middle a text popped up from his cousin, so instead of just ignoring i obviously had to be nosy (ughh whyyyy) and i looked thro the convo (i saw my name was mentioned - had to!) and this is how it pretty much went (the part that included me) bf: rachel and i want to plan a trip over there when u get home, shes been dying to go to the theme park near your house cousin: oh yeah? that sounds cool. so is she your gf or going to be? bf: nah, just my girl WTF?!?!?!?!?!?! at that point i stopped reading and just put the phone down and walked away.  he tells everyone he has a gf, there are pics of us on his bedside table, theres a pic in a frame of me, his mom and his sister on his desk at work, we are "in a realtionship" on fb and there are pics of us everywhere...so WTF does that mean? shes "just my girl"? i think im reading too far into this. i dont want him to think i was snopping thro his phone (altho technically i was) but why didnt he tell his cousin, yeah shes my GF? im having a hard time processing this, and i cant stop thinking about it. should i just chill out? maybe thats not what he meant - i know things come out differently thro text, and its not like he told a girl that, it was his male cousin. i dont know, now im freaked out. should i be worried?